Olympic Fever!! Possibly uncaught, still.
It's only every four years when the powers that be foist these odd events on us, but somehow that doesn't seem long enough. Things used to be different when it was relatively rare to see sports on TV, but now that we're awash in it, the allure of Victorian competition seems lacking.
One solution: Combine things. Mix and match. Saves time, adds new interest. Like these four examples:
4. Weightlifting & Trampoline No one who has found themselves awake at 3:38 a.m. on a weekday watching some heretofore undiscovered NBC channel and not been fascinated by both the trampoline and weightlifting contests.
The trampoline matches, however, ultimately disappoint, since viewers consistently find themselves fruitlessly refilling the bong while waiting for America's Funniest Home Videos hijinks. Where's the toddler who comes within a millimeter of permanent paralysis? How about the giggling little cheerleader whose dreams of soaring atop the pyramid are about to be drowned in a flood of tears when they miss the landing point and crash onto a Hot Wheels handlebar face-first?
Now there is a way to restore that frisson of danger inherent in all great trampoline competitions: Combine them with weightlifting.
It has something for everyone: A Dork Squad furiously thumbing iPads to determine how much weight the net can take, stong-armed jocks tossing barbells to sure-handed bouncers, and those bouncin' beauties carefully juggling the weights to the tune of "Final Countdown."
Bob Costas, primetime and teary feature intros about dead mothers who sacrificed a promising crochet career to carpool their kid to a weightoline/tramplifting match in a nearby state, here we come!!!
3. Modern Pentathlon &....Pokemon The Modern Pentathlon competition consists of a race to see which contestant can first come up with the different events that make up the Modern Pentathlon. Unfortunately, Google has made this much easier, and purists grumble and wax nostalgic over the golden days when participants would ramble around dusty libraries mumbling something like "There was some kind of shooting involved, wasn't there? Something with guns?"
Modern society has provided another long-forgotten type of event: Pokemon. If you were unlucky enough to have had a Pokemon-relevant-age kid during the craze, you have misty water-color memories you can't shake of creatures with names like Blastoise and Pikachu and Costas (the smallest and smuggest of the Pokemon legions).
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SHOW ME HOW
Mix the two together, and start shooting. Or, if you don't want to teach your kids about "gun violence," you Obama-lover, then start memorizing obscure, utterly useless information. 2.Beach Volleyball & Fencing Oooh, that tickles!!! Brandiii, you saucy wench!!!
Yes, it is possible for beach-volleyball ratings to go up.
1. Equestrian & Sailing You wouldn't pay good movie to see a horse scramble for his life on the slippery decks of a heaving yacht, tossing the crew overboard willy-nilly? We would. And so would the American TV viewer, dammit.