Hair Balls was so excited for today's predicted snowfall that we could barely sleep last night. Fortunately, a half-bottle of cheap gas-station gin and a bunch of Benadryl cured that little problem.
The cozy concoction gave us a dream populated with characters and scenes from movies where snow played a prominent role. (Although Christina Aguilera showed up in there as well, for some reason. But we digress). Here then, in honor of what is being reported as the earliest snowfall in Houston's history, are five motion pictures featuring this lovely, flakey precipitation.
Putting up with a bloodthirsty, shape-shifting alien is bad enough in temperate weather, but it's just downright sucky when you've gotta do it in Antarctica. One by the one, members of this scientific exploration team are easily picked off by the titular extra-terrestrial terrorist, mostly because the inclement conditions means they're all pretty much crammed into the same building. Not even the mighty Wilfred Brimley could escape the deadly combination of snow and alien. If only those "Swedes" were able to shoot that dog in the beginning.
Perhaps the worst thing about snow, besides its hospitability for aliens, is that it makes soccer players want to eat people. The athletes who crashed in the Andes in 1972 only waited for like two minutes before they went all Donner Party on their friends. Apprently, friendship is a dish best served cold.
After ten minutes of being stuck in the snow with freaky axe-wielding writer-cum-caretaker Jack Nicholson, we'd be praying for the comparatively cozy company of a shape-shifting alien or a cannibalistic halfback. Would Jack Torrance have flipped his wig if he was holed up in a Honolulu hotel? Probably, but at least his weird wife and offspring may have had a fighting chance -- not to mention poor Scatman Crothers.
30 Days of Night
If you thought vampires only came in the form of brooding, pale-skinner pretty-boy high schoolers or eastern European counts with capes, then you need to check out the truly horrifying fanged freaks that jump rooftop-to-rooftop in this small Alaskan town stuck in a month-long nightfall. Josh Hartnett does his best to act like a sentient being and nearly pulls it off. But even his non-presence can't drag down this snowbound thriller. Sure, it's predictable, but it's entertaining as hell, and those vampire noises are creepy as all get-out.
No movie has ever made blood-spattered snow look so awesome, and believe me, we've scientifically tested this. Snow is such a force in this movie that it's almost like a character itself, colder than Carl Showalter and quieter than Gaear Grimsrud. Blood has been shed, Jerry.
This is an admittedly short list, so feel free to send some suggestions, if you haven't been hacked apart by Jack Nicholson or a vampire.
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