In Ongoing Bat Invasion Of Texas, Terrifying New Theaters Of War Opened

Two weeks ago today, in an nearly all-but-exclusive report, Hair Balls broke the story of the ongoing bat invasion of Texas schools and courthouses.

At the time, the winged mammals had seized control of two schools in Clear Lake and one each in Chambers and Matagorda counties. They had also staked their squeaky claim to the centers of power and justice in Angelina and Gregg counties.

It is now our solemn duty to report that the assault continues, and that they have added some chilling new tactics to their campaign.

The bats' next move came as soon as we posted our report. Our alert blogger-brother from another mother, Beaumont's Gator, sent this ominous dispatch from the Golden Triangle, mere hours after we broke the news of the invasion:

Is this some sort of sign of the Apocalypse?

Up until now, Southeast Texas has been untouched -- a casual onlooker to the full-frontal assault going on around it. That was then, this is now.

They've arrived, and they're looking for bad school lunches.

Bridge City is under attack, descended on by a marauding band of flying rodents. Early Friday morning, workers at the Bridge City High School cafeteria discovered about a half-dozen blood thirsty bats, gnawing on some leftover chili con carne.

One week later, the bats took LaPorte, and two days ago, they started infiltrating Arizona Fleming Elementary School, way down Bissonnet in Fort Bend County.

Terrifying as all those developments are, scarier still are the latest developments.

They are going after the U.S. Mail -- last week, a whole colony was discovered lurking in the rafters of Alvin's post office, bringing the postal service in the area to a screeching halt.

And now, sickeningly, they have apparently enlisted the Boy Scouts as unwitting dupes in their plot. A troop of them was recently spotted actually abetting the invasion by building shelters for their would-be masters. It's heartbreaking to hear these innocents parroting the slick rhetoric of their furry flying overlords:

"Most people think that bats are scary blood sucking vampires that will bite you and kill you," admitted Boy Scout Clayton Marshall, in a brilliant deployment of the ethical appeal, no doubt beamed into his head via radar waves by some winged Josef Goebbels of a bat-propaganda master.

"Really they're just they're great animals for the environment," he continued. "600 bats on these 3 colonies will eat 13,000 pounds of flying insects annually."

No word on how much human blood those same 600 bats would suck. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

KEEP THE HOUSTON PRESS FREE... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
John Nova Lomax
Contact: John Nova Lomax