Can't find a match on Match.com? Can't get it in tune on eHarmony? Desperate for a young hottie, but not exactly a catch yourself and unable to fly to Russia for a mail order bride? We've got a dating sight for you: Jailbabes.
Jailbabes is just like any other dating site, except all of the women on there are incarcerated. And there might be a few more disclaimers than usual, such as this one:
"These ads are written by unique individuals expressing their desires. They may or may not be complete fabrications of wishful thinking."
(How's that different than any other dating site?)
And this one:
"You can find more information about the inmate, including their crime, by calling their prison directly and/or using an Internet search engine (MSN, Dogpile, Google, Yahoo!, etc.). When using an Internet search engine try putting the word PRISONER either before or after the inmate's name."
And finally, this one, from a Texas prison official:
"The correspondence will often include false information about the offender's age and appearance (often using photographs of other offenders who are younger, thinner, and more attractive than the author), the reason for incarceration, and the length of sentence and parole information."
Hmm, again, save for those bits about incarceration and parole, how exactly is this different from a regular dating site?
Here are a few of our favorite come-ons from the locked-down ladies. We concentrated solely on Texas ladies, of course.
"I have a lot to share with my Special Man," writes Diamantina Kolajaco-Salinas, who is either a very well-preserved 54-year-old or whose (borderling NSFW) picture is apparently one of those misleading ones the prison official warned us about. "My zest for life has no boundaries. I'm smart, full of energy and my heart is bursting with love that I want to share. I love music. My favorite song is, 'Come on Baby Light My Fire'."
That fire went out for Darryl Kolajaco, who was allegedly beaten to death by Diamantina's paramour Andres Mascorro in a love triangle/insurance scheme. Diamantina was convicted of capital murder for her role in the case, but she is eligible for parole in 29 years, so keep that fire burning slow and low if you're interested.
"Plus size lady with a life sentence," purrs the come-on of 36-year-old Jennifer "Nicole" Yesconis. "Are you still interested? Well, then you HAVE to write because other than that I've got it going on!" (And other than that whole telling his followers to slaughter innocent people thing, Charles Manson was a Boy Scout Troop Leader.)
Yesconis describes herself as highly intelligent and "an NPR junkie" who devours books ranging in genre from fantasy to science fiction to science fact to humor.
"Even though I'm basically a Good Girl with a sweet, innocent charm, I am still very open-minded & experimental & enjoy conversations about all sorts of topics. I'm into Buddhism, but I use it as "mental floss" & to find peace and I don't consider it my 'religion,'" she continues.
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"I have a very broad range of interests and we will never run out of things to talk about," she adds. One of the things you might want to bring up is the time in 1994 when she was convicted of paying her boyfriend to off her dad and step-mom to collect on their life insurance.
"Satisfying!" exults the headline over the ad for 31-year-old Tyshee Prokop, who says her "caramel complexion," "petite coke-bottle frame" and smile will all help brighten your day. Best keep her smiling though, or end up like her husband, who police say was gunned down in a murder-for-hire plot a week before his Army enlistment ran out so that Prokop could collect his $200,000 insurance policy.
So yeah, while the things that people say in these personals are indeed pretty similar to the things you find in any personal ad, it's the things they don't tell you most need to know. But again -- how is that any different from any personal ad? The one true difference is that most of these women's (occasionally very) dirty laundry is right there on Google -- indeed, many of them are infamous enough to have names that auto-fill as you type.
Mardie Swartz requires a bit more digging than that. Originally convicted of murdering a 19-year-old woman when she was not yet 16, Swartz added decades to her sentence when she was later convicted of escape and burglary. So while she probably won't be getting out until 2038, you just never know with a slippery lady like that -- you might just be in for some hot "fugitive sex," as George Costanza once called it.