I just spent about 10 minutes of my life that I will never get back tooling around on the Yanni site and have discovered something disturbing. Ladies and gentlemen, Yanni was here, and I missed him. He played the Toyota Center this past Saturday while I was stuffing my face at the Ninfa's on Navigation.
I missed the Yanni concert, y'all.
Okay, someone explain to me what does Yanni do? What does he play? Is it about his voice? Does he play piano, or is that simply left to John Tesh? Does he play the bongos? Or maybe the zither? It seems like either would be about right.
So I just went to his Wikipedia bio and discovered that he is a "self-taught pianist, keyboardist, and composer." Self-taught, eh? Like I'm a self-taught drunk. Okay, I can buy that. Self-taught. Just like Beethoven or whatever.
Let me be honest. I started writing this with the intent to destroy Yanni, to rip him apart and make fun of his hair, his weird, terrible, world music, and his Yanniness. But it's like I don't even have the energy for it. Maybe it's all this pop culture snark that I'm expected to deliver on a weekly basis, but -- much like Yanni's music -- writing about Yanni makes me feel like a lump of gelatin, left by the side of the road to melt in the hot Texas sun.
Okay, I just took a break and wandered into the kitchen to ask Mr. Pop Rocks what he knows about Yanni.
"I'm writing about Yanni," I say. "What can you tell me?"
"He got arrested for beating up his girlfriend once," he tells me. "His mug shot is on The Smoking Gun."
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Waaah? Okay, this changes everything...according to The Gun, Yanni called his girlfriend a cunt and a whore and whacked her so hard he cut her lip. The woman's crime was apparently not leaving Yanni's waterfront mansion fast enough.
Okay, so Yanni's an asshole. A self-taught asshole. Got it.
I wonder where Yanni is from. Is he from America? Spain? France? When you think about it, he is otherworldly, really. It's like he came to us from a planet filled white wine spritzers and sale items from Pier 1.
All right, that's all I can think of. I apologize. I decided to write this with the full intent of deconstructing Yanni's popularity, but I was unable. Perhaps because there is simply nothing really there to deconstruct.