Jerry's Time to Shine


Speaking truth, after some Jack Daniel's

By Sean Pendergast

"With what the Packers are about and what the Steelers are about, it makes for a great game. If you're in my shoes right now as far as Cowboys Stadium is concerned, I'm really proud that they're going to be there. I'm proud for North Texas. It would have been hard for me to draw it up any better."

— Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, 01/24/11

Go ahead and read that quote from Jerry Jones again...okay...done? Good.

Now, wrap your brain around the following:

In the 1960s, the Green Bay Packers regularly made the Dallas Cowboys their bitch, including victories in the 1966 and 1967 NFL (before the AFL-NFL merger turned it into the NFC) Championship Game, the latter of which was the famed "Ice Bowl."

In the 1970s, it was Pittsburgh's turn to put the Cowboys over their knee, spank them and make Dallas call them "Daddy," with the Steelers knocking off Tom Landry's bunch in Super Bowls X and XIII.

The game this Sunday is being played in the new Cowboys Stadium, a monstrosity which people have essentially dubbed "JerryWorld." So yeah, the venue for the Packers and the Steelers to get it on is, for all intents and purposes, Jones's house.

The Cowboys came into the season as the favorite to win their division, and one of the odds-on choices to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl. They wound up firing their head coach halfway into the season and finished 6-10.

So to believe Jerry Jones is excited about the Packers and the Steelers playing the Super Bowl in his house is to believe that Jerry Jones would be perfectly all right coming home to find his two most annoying neighbors having sex in his master bedroom. Under that scenario, Jones's expressing excitement about the Packers and the Steelers hooking up Sunday evening at JerryWorld is the equivalent of uncorking said neighbors' wine and politely asking if they require a condom.

In other words, Jones is lying. He has to be, right?

But then again, how would we know if he was lying? Oftentimes, you can tell if someone is fibbing because that person will display certain facial tics or changes of expression. Unfortunately, thanks to plastic surgery that has essentially stretched the skin on his face so tight that he looks like he's wearing a Jerry Jones mask, Jones's face never moves. Jones could be having an orgasm or having a limb severed, and if all we could see was his face, we would never know which scenario was playing out.

Fortunately, it's not like Jerry Jones plays things close to the vest. If we can find out what his blood alcohol content was when he gave that quote, we can ascertain how much fact and how much fiction he was spewing with his welcome message to the Steelers and Packers. Because much like Elaine Benes on Seinfeld, the key to Jones's vault is not a big secret.

Have booze, will talk.

To wit, after the Cowboys' 1993 Super Bowl victory, Jones began trash-talking his then-head coach Jimmy Johnson to the media, saying that "any one of 500 coaches could have won those Super Bowls" given the talent that Jones had assembled. Additionally, Jones stated at a late-night cocktail party that he intended to replace Johnson with Barry Switzer. However, Jones famously denied those reports by stating that it "was the whiskey talking."

In 1994, Jones replaced Johnson with Switzer.

More recently, Jones was captured on YouTube prior to the 2010 NFL Draft slurring his evaluation of Bill Parcells ("He ain't worth a shit!") and of Tim Tebow's NFL potential ("Tebow wouldn't see the field!") to a handful of Dallas barflies. It didn't take a field sobriety test to see that Jones was probably on his second bottle of Gentleman Jack when he decided to drop all of this knowledge on the bar patrons.

So as Jerry Jones prepares to welcome his two most hated rivals to romp in his hay this weekend, I would ask that the good people at Fox ask him how he feels about this around midway through the fourth quarter, just about the time the whiskey could start talking.

Then, and only then, would we get the real story.

Bets You Didn't Know You Could Make

By Sean Pendergast

Is the Super Bowl fun to watch if you're merely rooting for one team or the other to actually win the game? I suppose. Does playing the random "squares" game that is a staple of every party make it slightly more exciting? Sort of.

But nothing invigorates the degenerate spirit quite like proposition bets, and no event has as many exotic proposition bets as the Super Bowl. If wagering were a strip club, then Super Bowl betting would be the Gold Club in Atlanta, where they march out about 100 girls at the beginning of the night and turn them loose to wreak havoc on the easily tempted. (Um, at least that's what I'm told.)

So without further ado, here are five actual prop bets available on Bodog.com that will keep even the most casual football fan plugged in for the entire game:

How many times will FOX show Jerry Jones on TV during the game? (OVER 2½, -130)

Betting on Jerry Jones to find a way to mug on camera three times or more (in his own stadium, no less) is like betting on a Jennifer Aniston breakup adorning the cover of People during a given year. Lock city.

How many times will FOX mention "Brett Favre" on TV during the game? (OVER 2½, -130)

If John Madden were still alive and commenting on this game, then they'd have to move the number of mentions to 200½. My guess is even Joe Buck and Troy Aikman can't resist some Favre slurpage. Take the over.

Who will the Super Bowl MVP of the Game thank first? (Coach +1000, Family +400, God +150, Teammates +250, Thanks No One +200)

Keep in mind that the MVP is very likely to be one of the two quarterbacks. Neither Aaron Rodgers nor Ben Roethlisberger seems very "churchy" to me, so God is out. Let's fire on "Teammates" at +250, and if you think Big Ben will win the MVP, then hope that Bodog adds "Milledgeville Police Department +500" and "Reasonable Doubt +750" as choices before kickoff. (NOTE: If Kurt Warner were playing in this game, God would be at -3000.)

Blake Griffin (LAC) total rebounds against Miami Heat +7½ (-115) vs. Pittsburgh Steelers Total Points

I love when Bodog goes all Reese's and dips basketball into my football. Griffin is a beast, the Heat have nothing inside and I think the football game is going to be low scoring. Take Griffin's rebounds +7.5.

Who will the FOX announcers say has better hair on TV during the Game? (Troy Polamalu -120, Clay Matthews -120)

This one actually has a disclaimer on the site: "Must be a direct reference on TV during the Game comparing the 2 players' hair or wagers will be graded as No Action (from kick off until final whistle). Live commentary only, Any Taped or Past Video does not count towards wager. Bodog's decision is final."

If Joe Buck is involved, I can assure you the hair comparison will take place. And maybe even some decorating tips and cookie recipes. Take Polamalu in a coin flipper.

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