Jersey Village Sinking Into The Abyss, And This Time Not Metaphorically

Jersey Village: Going, going, gone
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Jersey Village is sinking like the Titanic, and anyone who continues to live there is sure to be sucked into the Earth's core, according to a recent geological study of Houston.

Well, maybe that's a bit of an overstatement -- but parts of JV are indeed sinking (or "subsiding," as scientist-types like to say) by as much as two inches a year.

This warm and fuzzy news is brought to you courtesy of UH geology professor Kevin Burke and former doctoral student Richard Engelkemeir, who studied ten years' worth of GPS data and determined we were pretty much doomed.(These are the same two horsemen who previously informed us of faultlines in southeast Texas).

The study, published in Tectonophysics: The International Journal of Integrated Solid Earth Sciences, aka, the journal we place over US Weekly in order to look smart in front of guests, was based on measurement data from 1995-2005.

Khan stated in a press release that, "A sprawling area of northwestern Harris County is gradually subsiding, but the points in Jersey Village are sinking fastest." "The most likely reason for the sinking of Jersey Village is the withdrawal of water from deep beneath the surface.

While groundwater withdrawal has ceased in most of the Houston area, it continues in the northwestern part of the county that has seen a rapid growth in population." (This is only slightly more plausible than our theory, which states the sinking is due to the amount of fat people who live there).

Meanwhile, the study showed "some gradual rising southeast of Houston, along the coast," courtesy of "vast salt domes beneath the surface." (Or, per our theory, fewer fat people).

So why does any of this matter? According to the press release, "the research team hopes the new data that pinpoint precisely where and how quickly the ground is moving can aid the region's builders and city planners to mitigate the damage caused by the ongoing subsidence northwest of Houston."

We're hoping they can do something about all the potholes while they're at it.

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