Spending Christmas Eve in the emergency room, whether as a patient or a loved one of a patient, is no fun. Trust me, I've had to do it twice.
Back in 2000, my son Sammy was only six months old and had to go to the emergency room and stay in the hospital overnight for some sort of breathing deal. (Don't know if it was an asthma attack or something else, I just know he could barely breathe -- does it make me a bad father that I don't remember what exactly he had? I mean, he's 12 now, and breathes just fine.)
A few years before that, my ex-wife's family dog swallowed a rib bone whole and we literally had to take him to the "ER" equivalent for dogs and watch the veterinarian pull a whole rib from his rectum. While it was not an actual human being suffering at the time (unless you count the spectators to this grotesque event), I consider Bubba's "rib-ectomy" the far more traumatizing experience of the two.
So it is with a staunch history of "Christmas Eve in the ER" experience that I say I feel for the family of this drunk Giants fan you're about to watch get his ass kicked in this video:
Go ahead, go through it once, then I will break down the detailed anatomy of the only fight that the Jets actually won on Saturday in MetLife Stadium. (Note: The video has since been removed from YouTube, so you'll have to do some searching on your own.)
In terms of the ebb and flow of a classic brawl like Creed-Balboa, Creed-Balboa II, or Peachy-Moody in My Bodyguard, you will get none of that here. This was a rout from jump. But if we are to prevent this from happening again in the future (and as someone who needs content each day, I don't know that I necessarily want that to happen, but I digress), we need to understand how the fight starts and what elements cause escalation.
The kindling for what eventually becomes the main event in this video appears to be a couple of women brawling over something. (Frankly, that's the kindling for most fights since the dawn of time.) Having sat with women at football games before (My girlfriend is a Texans season ticket holder in the bullpen), my guess is the list of what possibly started the fight looks like this:
1. One woman commenting about the other's fat ass 2. One woman commenting about the other's homely facial features 3. One woman commenting about how many strange penises the other one has touched in her life . . . 486. The Jets' inability to get a pass rush on Eli Manning
Let's go to the frame by frame, shall we?
0:06 -- Difficult at first to spot the culprits, but eventually you see a female Giant fan who bears a blurry resemblance to Tonya Harding. Actually, given the brawl that this touched off, the odds are about +350 that it may actually be Tonya Harding. You see her hit the deck presumably from a shove or a punch from a female Jets fan (foreshadowing). Underrated part of this shot -- the white guy with the Plaxico Burress jersey and headband. Somewhere in the bizarro world, this guy shares season tickets with a black guy in a Mark Brunell jersey.
0:17 -- After seeing his lady disrespected, male Giant Fan in hoodie and Giants stocking cap assumes a ready battle stance to fight anyone and everyone wearing green. This will be the last we see of Giant Fan standing upright and fully aware of his surroundings in this video. You've been warned. (NOTE: About this time also is where we get someone from the crowd yelling "Where's Snooki?" People from Jersey making fun of other people from Jersey for being too, well, "Jersey" is very funny to me. Probably the same way listeners feel when I make fun of Carlos Lee for being a fat ass.)
0:21 -- We finally get our first glimpse of the female Jets fan that helped start the melee we're about to see. Excellent butt crack shot! If you ask me, one of the real advances in our society over the last decade or so is the acceptance of hot women showing butt crack. That's a cause I fought for back in the '80s, when layers of clothing and long, butt crack-covering sweaters were the style. Good to see all I fought for coming to fruition. Oh, and if you had "Female Jets fan has tramp stamp YES -450," well, cash that ticket!
0:24 -- Appropriately, at the 24-second mark of the video, Jet fanboy in #24 REVIS jersey gets in the first of several
sucker blows on hoodie-wearing Giants guy. And we're off and running!
0:26 -- After landing what sounded like a solid right hand, Jets Fan grabs dazed Giants Fan by the tuft of hair on top of his head to hold him in place for the first of several (fill in name of overpriced basketball shoe here) kicks to the dome. It's slightly reminiscent of the final fight scene in the original Footloose movie where Ren grabs Chuck by the hair before delivering the final knockout. SLIGHTLY reminiscent.
0:27 -- And heeerrre comes the funky stuff! Note the helpless look on Faux Tonya Harding's face as her boyfriend's nose is about to get booted through the back of his cranium. Also, note the pink glove that Giants Fan is wearing on his right hand. If you're looking for a "babyface" in the fight, it's gotta be Giant Fan, right? I mean, he got sucker-punched AND he supports breast cancer awareness? You SUCK, Jets Fan!! BOOOOOOO!!!!
0:28 -- Kubiak would love Giants Fan. He's battling, he's fighting, he's battlefighting. He's working hard. He just doesn't have enough. (Note the Jets fan with the gray goatee in the background enjoying the proceedings a little too much.)
By the way, if you've seen that look on Giants Fan's face before, and can't recall where, I give you the YouTube classic "Tony Soprano and Bobby Bacala beating the shit out of each other." (Fast forward to 1:37.) And yes, I know this is an edited version adding "The Final Countdown" as background music. That doesn't make it better?
The end of this is sad. #24 REVIS waits for gravity to lay Giants Fan's skull on a final imaginary tee for the knockout kick. And BOOM, good night, Irene (or Vinny...or Sal...or whatever his name is.). Giants Fan clearly has never watched Episode 3 of theStar Wars
saga -- if you don't have the high ground, you're fucked. Ask Anakin.
0:36 -- Jets Fan standing on Giants Fan's head. If this were Monday Night RAW, this would be the part where Jim Ross is screaming "SON OF A BITCH!"
0:50 -- "That's fucked up, bro!" Ya think?
0:55 -- Tramp stamp skank is carried away from the scene kicking and screaming, which is basically what got this whole thing started in the first place -- a skank, kicking and screaming.
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Circle of life, Jersey style. Merry Christmas, Giants Fan.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.