When you're stack ranking the countless remarkable feats that J.J. Watt has accomplished in his seven year NFL career, on the field and off the field, certainly among them is the fact that he has maintained not just relevance, but high profile relevance during the last two years, two years in which he has only played in a total of eight games.
Through a combination of mind-blowing philanthropy ($37 million raised for Hurricane Harvey, and numerous other acts of kindness) and social media reminders that he will be back this season, Watt is still every bit as marketable as he was before his body stopped cooperating in early 2016. We haven't seen as many commercials as we did during "Peak J.J.", in large part because Watt has been focused on bodily recovery.
However, like Willy Wonka emerging from the chocolate factory after a long absence, Watt is making his commercial comeback with some hydration PSA's for Gatorade, and he's bringing his brothers, Pittsburgh Steeler linebacker T.J. Watt and Los Angeles Charger fullback Derek Watt, along with him! Hell, he even brought his dad along for one of the spots.
Here is the first one, in which the Watt family analyzes the color of J.J.'s pee....
And here's the second one, encouraging the wearing of light clothes during the hot summer months.... oh, and drink Gatorade!
You probably want some outtakes, don't you? Well, we got your stinkin' outtakes right here!
So where do these Gatorade PSA'a rank in the pantheon of Justin James Watt's commercial endeavors. For a defensive end, it's about as impressive a portfolio of sponsors that you'll ever see! J.J. Watt will NOT be defined by his position, by GOD!!
So, without further ado, here is one man's ranking of J.J. Watt's commercials through the years....
TIED FOR LAST, always and forever ... the Brock Osweiler H-E-B Chronicles
I don't know EXACTLY how many commercials Watt has done, nor do I even know if I've seen them all, but Coghlan's Law states that "Anything involving Brock Alan Osweiler will always, now and forever, be considered LAST in whatever category in which it resides." And thus.... LAST place for these three cornball H-E-B commercials!
10. PAPA JOHN'S, Peyton Manning decorates cupcakes
This commercial is actually pretty funny. J.J. is good, and Peyton Manning is always tremendous. However, the presence of a now-ousted company founder who envies Colonel Sanders free flowing use of the n-word in modern America bumps this... well, it bumps it way, way down. Needless to say, J.J. Watt is off the Papa John's train.
9. FORD TRUCKS, J.J. struggles to come up with a "legendary" truck story
No football player in the league screams "PICK UP TRUCK!" like J.J. Watt, but you can tell how uncomfortable it gets when Ford wants to hear the most legendary thing Watt has done in a Ford truck. Did they realize that any interesting answer, like doing donuts in a parking lot or having intercourse, is going to run directly contrary to the Watt brand? So we're left with a story of J.J. driving to the stadium to do legendary things AT THE STADIUM. THAT WASN'T THE QUESTION!
8. BOSE, Zac Brown hypes up Watt for a game
I'm a big Zac Brown fan, I'm a big J.J. Watt fan, and I'm a big fan of Bose headphones. Solid commercial.
7. REEBOK, Hunt Greatness unveiled
If you had to explain J.J. Watt to somebody who had no idea who he is, and you had to use one of his commercials to do so, I feel like this commercial (and the others in the "Hunt Greatness" series) would be the one to use.
6. H-E-B, the non-Brock ones
Ignore the ones in here that contain Brock Osweiler. If you recall, those are tied for last. The others involving Watt in here are all decent, and sort of the same thing... Watt pushes some sort of food while clowning H-E-B president Scott McClelland for his dorkiness.
5. GATORADE, Color of Pee
This feels about right.....
4. GATORADE, Beat the Heat
.... as does this.
3. YAHOO!, fantasy football over-enthusiast
This might be Watt's most iconic commercial, as it was a national spot and included a chant that became a quasi-catchphrase .... "SHUT YOU DOWN!"
2. RELIANT, curling is awesome!
The Reliant homages to Olympic sports involving J.J. Watt are the two best Watt commercials, in my opinion. First, the tribute to the underrated sport of curling. (Underrated in quality AND difficulty!) And then....
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SHOW ME HOW
1. RELIANT, synchronized swimming is even MORE awesome!
....synchronized swimming. How jealous were the girlfriends of all the ladies in this commercial, in particular, the one that actually got to CONVERSE with J.J. Watt in the spot?
And while we all enjoy these commercials, I think I speak for all Texans fans when I say that I'm much more excited to get back to watching videos like THIS one involving J.J. Watt...
Listen to Sean Pendergast on SportsRadio 610 from 2 to 6 p.m. weekdays. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanTPendergast and like him on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/SeanTPendergast.