The sound that you may have heard sometime Sunday morning was the sound of thousands single women in Houston screaming in horror at the news that their infinitesimally-to-nonexistent shot of being the first Mrs. J.J. Watt was officially over. Somewhere, on a faraway island, with a gigantic yacht sailing in the background, Watt popped the question to his Houston Dash star soccer player girlfriend Kealia Ohai, and the bells rang out on social media:
Indeed, after roughly eight years as a Houstonian, and a few rumors here and there of relationships (remember J.J. sitting courtside at the Final Four with Caroline Wozniacki?), Watt is off the market, or at least he will be after Houston's version of the royal wedding, at a date that is either "to be determined" or "has been determined, but not made public yet."
As we digest this nuclear bomb of Houston relationship news, here are four thoughts:
Raise even MORE money, J.J.!
We all know that, other than maiming opposing quarterbacks, Watt's big calling card is his philanthropy. Through his foundation, he's raised over $5 million to help schools around the country fund after school activities, and through social media, he helped raise over $40 million to help Houston recover from Hurricane Harvey. So while we're at it, why not sell tickets to the wedding, and hold it in NRG Stadium? The cash from concessions alone will finish off all the good work still needing to be done from Harvey! I'm sure when Kealia Ohai was growing up as a little girl in Utah, this was precisely her dream —- celebrating her nuptials with a bunch of drunks in Watt jerseys and face paint from Section 636. It's EVERY little girl's dream! Let's do this! (This is also my only shot at an invite, buying one.)
This could be a crazy science experiment
Back in the day, my brother, Kevin, was getting married to his still-to-this-day wife, Kate, and I was the best man. Coincidentally, Kevin and Kate were both the best athletes in their respective classes in our hometown, so I made a joke about their marriage being more of a Darwinian-athletic science project than an actual marriage. (Some laughed, others didn't.) Today, both Kevin and Kate are very capable professionals with two sons (both good athletes, by the way!). Both Kevin and Kate topped out as college athletes, which brings us to Watt and Ohai. I mean, sorry Kevin and Kate, but these are two folks who are at the top of their PROFESSIONAL sports! This marriage very well could be the ticket to creating that clone army that I've dreamed about since Episode 2 of the Star Wars saga!
What about this poor girl, J.J.?
Let's not forget, this isn't J.J. Watt's first engagement! Back in 2013, Watt got fake-engaged to this little six year old girl who went on social media and expressed sadness over the age restrictions on relationships:
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NOTE: IF Kealia Ohai would reenact this video in some shape, form, or fashion, she would become my favorite professional women's soccer player of all time. (She is tied with everyone else who's ever played right now.)
Who is NOW Houston's most eligible bachelor?
With Watt off the market via jewelry (which is when it gets REAL), this would seem to be a two-man race between Alex Bregman and Deshaun Watson. Bregman has the cocky charisma and the long-term contract, although he doesn't like to date during the season, which I respect. Watson is the quarterback of the NFL team in a football city, and will be making $30 million per year within the next couple years. The race is on, fellas!