I fully realize that putting the words "J.J. Watt Wedding Cake!" in the headline of this post probably sent every female reader between the ages of 18 and 95 within 100 miles of Reliant Stadium into a panic attack.
"Wait??? WHA'??? J.J. Watt got MARRIED?!? NOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
No, no, no, fear not horny MILF's, that's not what happened. J.J. Watt didn't get married.
This a not a story about J.J. Watt's wedding cake. It's a story about a J.J. Watt wedding cake. Yes, a wedding cake shaped like Texans defensive end J.J. Watt.
Check it out:
The cake was brought to the attention of J.J. Watt himself (among others) by a friend of the bride and groom named Bryan Eoff (@bdeoff) on Twitter:
— Bryan Eoff (@bdeoff) February 5, 2013
Here are my thoughts on the greatest NFL player-related baked good since the Robert Griffin III chocolate birthday cake from late last year:
6. There was an episode of Seinfeld back in the day where Jerry and Elaine each joked about how they were "waiting out" a marriage of a couple of their friends, quietly hoping for a divorce so that Jerry could scoop up the wife (a young Debra Messing, if you need her) and Elaine could do likewise with the husband (a nameless actor we never heard from again). Well, I would surmise that millions of cake-eating, football-watching males are now doing just that with the lovely (and scintillatingly cool) Stephanie Poe (@stephanievpoe on Twitter). I mean not only did she greenlight the J.J. Watt cake for her future husband, but check out the cake she procured for her dad's 50th birthday:
— Stephanie Poe (@stephanievpoe) February 7, 2013
I mean...I love boobs. I love cake. But boobs made out of cake?? Are you kidding me?!? God bless you, Stephanie Poe!
5. As for the cake itself, this is where I will get a little bit nitpicky. Don't get me wrong, the attention to detail is amazing, right down the to the Nike swoosh on the jersey and the faint hints of bulging muscles along Cake J.J.'s forearms and biceps areas. However, I would have liked it more if they didn't cover Cake J.J.'s hands with Mickey Mouse's cartoon white gloves. Also poor Cake J.J.'s fingers are bent backwards. Unless there is a double jointedness possessed by the actual Watt that I'm unaware of (let's face it, at this point, I think we're all fairly certain the real J.J. Watt is actually a robot, so his being double jointed would be nothing), I'm having to suspend a bit of disbelief there.
4. Also, I was very disappointed to see that the cake did not have J.J. Watt's face frosted onto the part where his face would normally be. Not because J.J. Watt is ruggedly handsome in real life, but because they instead just covered the face with black frosting, which makes it look more like he is preparing to be interrogated by terrorists than preparing to play the Bengals in a home playoff game.
3. The cake itself is freaking huge! I mean literally, HUGE. Look at the picture of the happy couple slicing up Cake J.J. one plateful at a time:
— Stephanie Poe (@stephanievpoe) February 7, 2013
I mean, this J.J. Watt mountain of decadence makes my groom's cake look like one of those Hostess chocolate cupcakes with the swirl of white frosting in top. This cake is delightfully excessive.
2. This J.J. Watt cake beats the hell out of the Mario Williams piñatas that Texan fans had been using at their kids' birthday parties. Oh wait...I was the only one doing that? Oh. Sorry.
1. One last thing: I had a chance to interview J.J. Watt last week on Radio Row at the Super Bowl in New Orleans. We talked about the work he does with so many charities, his friendship with the Berry kids, and even his aforementioned faux wedding to the tearful six-year-old girl. In short, J.J. Watt is awesome, so awesome that it visibly bothers him that he can't get to every request for his time (requests which number in the hundreds per month, I'm sure). He even said as much. That said, I'm 1000 percent certain J.J. now knows about this cake, so would it surprise anybody when Stephanie Poe and her husband get a signed jersey or football to put in the game room of their Newlywed Manor? The clock is ticking, you know this is happening.
The clock is also ticking on Stephanie Poe's marriage to her new husband Nathan. Single, male, hungry Texan fans everywhere wait impatiently. For cake.
(h/t to bustedcoverage.com)
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
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