Joel Osteen Is a Power Top

Not-gay-in-any-way-whatsoever magazine

Details

has just released its “Power 50” list, which ranks H-town’s own man of God Joel Osteen at number 16.

At first glance, this may sound respectable, but when you see that number one is occupied not by an individual, but a gruesome Hollywood cabal dubbed “Zac Efron, Shia LaBoeuf, and the Disney Kids,” there can be only one explanation: Details is written by Satan.

Need more proof? Number four on the list: “The Bible Beaters….The Jesus freak has gotten crafty.” Uh, what?

Well, here’s what it takes to get on the list: “These men control viewing patterns, buying habits, anxieties, lust—the things one thinks about.” (Clearly, the dudes at Details spend a lot of time thinking about Shia LaBoeuf.)

But while they were kind enough to exclude Joel from the fire and brimstone set, we still think he should’ve been ranked a little higher – at least higher than the Columbine killers. That was so 1999. – Craig Malisow

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.

Newsletters

All-access pass to the top stories, events and offers around town.

  • Top Stories
    Send:

Newsletters

All-access pass to top stories, events and offers around town.

Sign Up >

No Thanks!

Remind Me Later >