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John Royal's NFL Picks, Week Nine: Getting Rid of the Hired Help, Going with the Raiders

Okay, so I had

another bad week

. That’s what I get for trying to get a monkey’s help. But I’m not giving up. I’m going to get to the .500 mark at some point this football season. I was 6-7 last week, and I’m 47-69 for the season.

1. The Texans are 3 point underdogs to the Raiders. That’s it? Only three point underdogs. This is the Texans we’re talking about. Sure, the Raiders aren’t that great, but damn, this is the Texans. Schaub’s not playing. Andre Johnson’s not back yet. Ahman Green still has a bad knee. Gary Kubiak’s still the coach. Take the Raiders.

2. The Eagles are favored by 3 points over the Cowboys. This makes about as much sense as the Raiders only being favored by three points. Sure, there’s that Tony Romo/Britney thing. And that whole T.O. returning to Philly thing. But I don’t care. Take the Cowboys.

3. The Falcons are favored by 3 points over the 49ers. Wow, how bad do you have to be to an underdog to the Falcons? Well, I don’t think the Niners are THAT bad. Take the Niners.

4. The Bengals are favored by 1 point over the Bills. I think the Bengals are falling apart. I think the Bills are coming together. And Lee Evans is going to go nuts against this Bengal secondary. Take the Bills to win.

5. The Browns are favored by 1.5 point over the Seahawks. The Browns are the surprise team of the season so far. They’ve got a winning record and Brady Quinn hasn’t even had the chance to play. Take the Browns.

6. The Lions are favored by 3 points over the Broncos. Mr. Jesus Freak Jon Kitna is in trouble over his Halloween costume in which he mocked a Lions coach who’d been arrested on a DUI last season and found driving naked. But I don’t believe in the Broncos. I think God forgives Kitna. Take the Lions.

7. The Chiefs are favored by 2 points over the Packers. Brett Favre had one of those incredible games Monday. This means that he’s due to have a bad one. And this game is in Kansas City, so the Chiefs have home field. I don’t care. Take the Packers.

8. The Patriots are favored by 5 points over the Colts. Wow, you mean these two are playing this week? I didn’t know that. The word on the street is that there are many in the NFL who are getting upset about the Patriots running up the score. And the Patriots remind me of that bully just waiting for some kid to fight back. The Colts are that kid. The Colts win this game, and Peyton Manning shows Tom Brady who the best QB in the NFL really is.

9. The Saints are favored by 3.5 points over the Jaguars. The Jags found a way to win the game last week. The Saints seem to be trying to save their season. I think the Saints win this game. Take the Saints.

10. The Chargers are favored by 7 points over the Vikings. The Vikings have Adrian Peterson, but don’t know how to use them. They deserve to lose just for that. The Chargers seem to be overcoming the fact that Norv Turner’s the coach. Take the Chargers.

11. The Bucs are favored by 3.5 points over the Cardinals. I’m just not sure about this game. I’m not sure about the Bucs, about Jeff Garcia. But the Cards just make no sense to me. This game is in Tampa, so take the Bucs.

12. The Titans are favored by 4 points over the Panthers. I think David Carr is playing this week, but I’m not sure if the Panthers are sure about this, yet. And Vince Young hasn’t looked great. He looked awful the last time out. But the Titans find ways to win games. Take the Titans.

13. The Redskins are favored by 3.5 points over the Jets. The Redskins were embarrassed last week. The Jets have a new QB. And the Jets stink. Take the Redskins.

14. The Steelers are favored by 9 points over the Ravens. The Ravens are quick becoming the NFL version of the Nebraska Cornhuskers. And the Steelers just seem to do what it takes to win. Take the Steelers. -- John Royal

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