Back in early September, Johnny Manziel was suspended for the first half of the Texas A&M 2013 season opener against the Rice Owls, NCAA fallout from his autograph-signing binge over the summer of 2013 (or the "Summer of Johnny," for readers of this blog).
Johnny paid his penance, entered the game in the second half and amid another 30 minutes of head-spinning superhero plays, he got into a trash-talking session with Rice defensive back Malcolm Hill. The end result of the confrontation was a 15-yard penalty on Manziel.
Well, actually, the end result was the Internet vaporizing.
Because about six seconds after the penalty flag hit the turf, Manziel strolled back to the Aggie bench and appeared to possibly be ignoring his head coach, Kevin Sumlin. (In fact, he was just avoiding eye contact while apologizing for the misstep, but whatever.) Well, many people lost it.
Many people like ESPN's Mark May and Trevor Matich, who called Johnny Manziel the spawn of Satan. (I'm paraphrasing.)
It was over-the-top hyperbole by a cadre of blathering idiots, but somehow I think if you were to crawl inside the brains of May and Matich, aside from having plenty of elbow room, their portrait of Johnny Manziel would look a LOT like the image portrayed in this (incredibly frivolous and totally hilarious) lawsuit filed against Manziel in a court in the state of Florida by something called a "Samantha Schacher" (My thoughts after the embedded PDF file.):
Of course, this lawsuit was filed in the state of Florida. God bless you, Florida. Never stop being you.
Okay, now that we have that out of the way, here are my favorite highlights (and please just assume "sic" on this whole recap, thanks!):
1. "[Manziel has been] calling me non-stop on my Samsung Phone and sending me naked selfies of himself showing me his penis." The Samsung phone leaves open the possibility that "Samantha Schacher" is actually LeBron James, which makes this lawsuit even funnier on a re-read. Also, "selfies of himself" is redundant, but I think if I start dissecting the syntax and grammar and spelling of this document, we'll be here until Week 1 of the NFL season.
2. "ON Christmas Evee, 2013, Johnny Manziel sent me a Instagram photo of himself naked to me Facebook with Manziel putting a hotdog bun between his penis, smiling, calling me "Ho, Ho, Ho"....During last year's Nathan's Hotdog Contest, Defendant Manziel sent me a naked photo of him with a ruler next to his erect penis that measured 4 1/2 inches..." Two things -- first, sit tight; processed food products will become a near fetish item by the end of this document. Second, the first red flag (okay, like the tenth red flag) that this was a frivolous lawsuit should have been the 4 1/2 inch measurement of Manziel's unit. NOBODY with ten-inch hands has a four-inch wiener. Sorry, Samantha.
3. "Affluence can buy you freedom." Political opining mid-lawsuit. Very deep.
4. "Manziel told me if I don't want him because his penis is small, when he gets drafted by the NFL he will get a penis enlargement and he'll be Long John Silvers." Comedic Sagarin Rating of this line is a 9.96. It would achieve a perfect CSR score if Manziel said he would be "Long Dong Silvers." (Also, the plural "Silvers" is underrated in its awesomeness.)
5. "Johnny Manziel refers to his penis as his Vienna Sausage and told me good things come from small packages." Every underendowed male is thieving this line from the fake Johnny Manziel.
6. "Johnny Manziel said he Skyes with Judereon Clowney [sic] in South Carolina, and Clowney sent Manziel a Pic of is penis which was 9 inches, and Manziel showed it to me on Skype and asked me if I could handle that monster." Honestly, the difference in fabricated dick size between Judereon Clowney and Johnny Manziel is the only logical explanation for Manziel sliding all the way to Cleveland at 22 in the NFL Draft. Also, Judereon sounds like the name of one of the advisors to the Khaleesi on Game of Thrones.
7. "Manziel said to me on the phone he watched kinky fetish small penis porn on Redtube after Texas A&M Football games." Okay, now the management team at Redtube is on the list of possible filers. Free advertising!
8. "Manziel sent me a homemade video of himself at Walt Disney World on "It's a Small World" ride in the Magic Kingdom, and while the song is on, he puts the camera down and unbuttons his pants, pulls his penis out and jingles his penis to the music." This video would not only break Twitter, but it would actually be the first embedded video to raise the terror alert. Actual buildings would crumble.
9. "I am scared to death and seek $25,000,000.00 in damages and a Restraining Order." ....and a job writing for Jimmy Kimmel, because this was awesome.
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Oh, by the way, Manziel's agent has refuted the authenticity of this lawsuit:
This joke "lawsuit" is obviously 1000000% fake and/ or frivolous. Embarrassing I even have say this after reading the nonsense.
— Erik Burkhardt (@ErikBurkhardt) May 23, 2014
Doesn't matter, Mark May still totally believes it, Erik.