Excuse me while I lay out the latest Johnny Manziel story in my Hubie Brown narrating-in-second-person voice:
"So you're the owner of a house in Southern California, and you recently rented that house out to Johnny Manziel...and he caused more than $30,000 in damage to the house. So now you're suing Johnny Manziel, and you need to serve him with the paperwork...where do you go if you're trying to find Johnny Manziel? Well, you go to where you most likely think he will be. You go to a bar."
Yes, this actually happened on Wednesday night, No, not the Hubie Brown narration, but the scene itself that faux Hubie describes above. On Wednesday night, Johnny Manziel was served with papers seeking upwards of $40,000 in damages from a two-day party binge, including cocaine and other mind-altering nouns, at a rental house in the Hollywood Hills.
In fact, we've got the video to prove it...
Let's hit the high points on this one Zapruder-style:
0:04 — Johnny is leaving The Nice Guy, which may as well be his second home during his Southern California stops. Actually, when you consider that nobody will rent him a place anymore, The Nice Guy might as well be his first home.
0:08 — BOOM. PAPERS. It would've been more fun if they had been served by somebody the size of the Mountain on Game of Thrones, or perhaps the Mountain himself.
0:16 — After realizing that leaving the papers on the ground with a hundred cameras rolling on him doesn't qualify as plausible deniability, Johnny picks up the papers and gets into his rental car with the gangster-style "suicide" doors.
0:20 — Ripped jeans? I can't figure out if that's Johnny trying to be fashionable or if these were torn when he fought at the Drake concert and he just hasn't had a chance to go shopping.
0:30 — Asked about the papers, Johnny says he's just trying to have fun and "we'll deal with that at a different time, my man," which I assume means it'll never get dealt with.
0:34 — "It'll all work itself out, I'll promise you that."...I feel like this should be the title of Johnny's autobiography, or at least the chapter covering this summer.
1:10 — Johnny's date seems like a nice gal. I'm guessing he met her in church?
1:13 — TMZ Guy: "Love that smile, Johnny. You have a great night!" Seriously, dude, shut up.
Of course, this all comes on the heels of Johnny Manziel's lawyer saying that he plans on trying to play football in 2016:
"His immediate plans are to start getting ready for football," attorney Jim Darnell said Wednesday. "We're working on it."
If that's the case, Johnny certainly has a strange workout regimen. Also, he might want to beef up from his current weight of about 98 pounds (estimated), because right now he might spontaneously combust if he were tackled by an NFL defensive lineman.
About the only thing we're sure of with Manziel — he will definitely need that lawyer sometime soon. That's a lock.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on SportsRadio 610 from 2 to 6 p.m. weekdays. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanTPendergast and like him on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/SeanTPendergast.
Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.