Yeah, so we judged a Texas Two-Step dancing contest last night.
That's pretty much the equivalent of Sarah Palin judging a Dance Salad festival, but we tried.
You know it's bad when the only song you recognize in the half-dozen or so tunes in the warm-up is George Strait's "Love Without End, Amen," and that's only because you can pretty clearly make out the words "love without end, amen" in the chorus.
But Reliant Energy, which sponsored the event, seems to have faith in your ability to determine just who is a freaky, off-the-charts two-stepper and who is an urban-cowboy poseur. So -- with, thank God, the help of Anheuser-Busch -- you muddle through at Wild West on the Richmond Strip. (Which, frankly, we were surprised to learn is still open.)
Your hopes momentarily rise when you see some female couples flailing about on the floor -- Lesbians!! What guy doesn't like them?!! --- but, sadly, when competition time comes there's only a predictable collection of straight white couples.
And, as it turns out, you have only two songs to separate the wheat from the chaff.
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You're sitting next to Kathy Bittner, who travels the globe judging Texas Two-Step dancing (it's huge in Japan), and you wonder what the hell you're doing. Oh, that couple...ummmm...well, they kinda seemed coordinated as they traipsed past the judges' table....On the other hand, I need another beer.
The Reliant people demand you rank the top ten couples -- in order -- after the first round. They might as well have asked you to rank, sight unseen, the top five Latvian car commercials of 2007.
Fortunately enough, according to a post-judging check your picks were more or less in line with the people who actually knew what they were doing.
So you can sleep at night, knowing your ignorance did not unfairly deprive anyone from the chance of meeting Rascal Flatts.