June 1: And So It Begins......

NEWS FLASH!!!!!!!!! (MUST CREDIT HAIR BALLS!!!!!) Today is the beginning of the hurricane season.

While the rest of the so-called mainstream media will ignore this important milestone simply because writing or airing stuff about hurricanes in Houston results in cheap increases in ratings and clicks, you can depend on us to stoop that low.

This week will bring The Only Hurricane Guide You Will Ever Need. There's a lot of stuff about hurricanes that normally gets overlooked by such guides (Example: Stock up on batteries! Who knew?). We also offer tips on how best to deal with FEMA (Mostly, pray as hard as you can that no hurricane hits here.)

We couldn't cover everything, of course, so here are some questions (and answers!!) every Gulf Coast resident should know:

How many hurricanes will there be in the Gulf this year? What categories will they be rated at? And, just to follow up, where will landfall be?

In order: a) Four. b) 2, 3, 3, 2. c) Biloxi, Lake Charles, Brownsville, Mexico.

That seems pretty definitive. Aren't most hurricane predictions a little more vague than that?


But we can trust the answer? That's where they're going to hit?

Sure. As far as we can tell.
What makes you such an expert?

We have occasionally watched the Weather Channel. Sometimes with the sound on, bitches.

Will there be a Storm of the Century this year?

Yes. It will be a Cat 1 storm that, ever so briefly, flirts with Cat 2.

That doesn't sound so bad.

Yes, but its track will momentarily include the possibility of hitting the New York area. The CGI renderings of what damage might be inflicted if the storm became a Cat 5 and hit straight up the Hudson will be on CNN 23/6, with time taken out only for Larry King (Tonight's guests: Ed McMahon and Barbara Eden!!!).

CenterPoint Energy has told the Chron it "learned lessons" from Ike and will have a better response if Houston gets hit again. But it kept saying during Ike that it was performing absolutely terrifically and that people should just be a little more patient, goddammit. What lessons have they really learned?

To pray that Houston doesn't get hit by another hurricane.

Since Ike, I have a whole pantry of inedible canned goods that I would only eat if I've been without food for two weeks. Should I toss them?

Yes. Then, when another storm threatens, head to the store to stock up. Be sure to do it so late that the only things left on the shelves are odd groupings of strange vegetables in cans. Buy up all available. Repeat the process next year.

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Richard Connelly
Contact: Richard Connelly