You've really got to feel for Katherine Webb.
You all remember her, don't you? Former Miss Alabama, Auburn grad, and probably best known for being the girlfriend (still? I think?) of Alabama Crimson Tide quarterback A.J. McCarron?
She (and to a lesser extent, McCarron's mom Dee Dee Bonner) were put on the libido map of most American, heterosexual males during the BCS Title Game back in January when the cameraman was able to track them down and Brent Musberger delivered this very polarizing, slightly creepy soliloquy on how hot Webb looked that night.
You remember, right?
I mean, the nerve of Brent Musberger, complimenting a smoking hot chick on being smoking hot. Just disgusting when men decide to say nice things about women. Apparently, Musberger's employers at ESPN thought so, with ESPN spokesman Mike Soltys issuing this
totally unnecessary apology:
"We always try to capture interesting storylines and the relationship between an Auburn grad who is Miss Alabama and the current Alabama quarterback certainly met that test. However, we apologize that the commentary in this instance went too far and Brent understands that."
Yeah, Brent definitely went too far. Because women hate being complimented.
And what a completely detrimental impact Musberger's ogling Webb has had on her career (which prior to Brent's promo in the BCS Title game was nonexistent)! I mean, Webb has only landed a spot as a roving reporter at the Super Bowl for Inside Edition, participated in reality diving show Splash (on ESPN sister network ABC!), and landed on the cover of a handful of high profile magazines.
Musberger, you diabolical perv! You're killing this poor girl!
And the injustices continued this week, as Webb was cursed with yet more gainful employment! THE HORROR! Burger chain Carl's Jr. has a new concoction out called the Buffalo Blue Cheese Burger. It's 32 grams of fatty goodness that is about the size of a car battery, and honestly I would theorize that the only thing that looks tastier than the Buffalo Blue Cheese Burger is Katherine Webb eating the Buffalo Blue Cheese Burger.
Carl's Jr. knows this and put my theory to the test:
Let's do a super mini Zapruder on this jumbo monstrosity of a burger commercial...
0:01 -- GENERIC TEAM AND GAME ALERT! It's yet another classic between the PSCU whatchamacallits and the LTLU whoziewhatsits. It's 21-20 with less than a minute to go in the "Division Championship." Even though there's not a single collegiate division that has a championship game.
0:04 -- "And there is Miss Katherine Webb..." Apparently, that's their Brent Musberger doppelgänger, who sounds more like Kasey Kasem meets "generic voiceover guy."
0:05 -- The LTLU whoziewhatits have the cursive L that used to adorn Penny Marshall's sweaters in Laverne and Shirley. So we know that in the backstory of this commercial Katherine Webb has moved to the West Coast, because that shit would never play in the SEC.
0:08 -- The burger is the size of Katherine Webb's head. Also, do they have a Carl's Jr. inside the stadium or did she sneak it in there? Am I taking this commercial too seriously?
0:10 -- Oops! She dribbled a little bit of buffalo wing sauce on her jersey! You know what that means! Off with the jersey! Time to eat this bad boy topless, which I have no problem with. In the last ten years, I've eaten fast food roughly 4,000 times and I think approximately 3,781 of those times have been shirtless.
0:15 -- Close up of her inserting blue cheese into her mouth, tongue shot included. Subtle.
0:20 -- Licks wing sauce off of her fingers. Super subtle.
0:22 -- Sweaty cleavage. Because...sweaty cleavage.
0:24 -- Bent over on her knees to get the soda that is apparently underneath the seat next to her. Super duper subtle.
0:25 -- Rubs ice cube along her neck. You know, because it's
a reference to 9 1/2 Weeks hot outside.
0:33 -- Um, now she's spraying herself with a mist fan. Nothing from nothing, but she's been holding this burger for like thirty seconds and has taken one bite. If it's so damn good, then why aren't you eating it, Katherine?
0:34 -- More sweaty cleavage. Because...um...buffalo blue cheese.
0:35 -- Wing sauce on her inner calf, which them gets licked off of her finger. Super duper, great googily moogily subtle.
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SHOW ME HOW
0:39 -- Apparently, this is all taking place on the jumbotron, which shouldn't result in any awkward conversations at all between kids at the game and their parents. I will say that Webb Burger Cam beats the shit out of Kiss Cam. Now if we could somehow work Dee Dee Bonner into the mix....
It really is a shame what Brent Musberger has done to this poor girl.
(h/t Awful Advertisements)
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 10 a.m. to noon CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.