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Kris Kardashian Humphries Re-signs with the Nets

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It's Wednesday, December 21, and from a daylight standpoint, it's the shortest day of the calendar year and equally short on newsworthy events around the sports world (unless you count former Philadelphia newspaper columnist and part-time Jabba the Hutt stand-in Bill Conlin being the next target of child molestation charges; frankly, I'm a little sexual predator-ed out when it comes to writing and talking about that stuff).

So on a slow news day, in a business where you're only as good as the hit count on your last blog post, I'll go to the old "hit count" standby -- write a few hundred words and embed a few videos about something having to do with the Kardashians!

So with that said....um, hey guys, how about the New Jersey Nets re-signing Kris Humphries, huh?!?

Before he was best known as the oafish bundle of social awkwardness that we saw on Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kris Humphries was a workmanlike glass-crasher for the New Jersey Nets. Before he was a workmanlike glass-crasher for the New Jersey Nets, Kris Humphries was a garbage-time nobody for three other NBA teams.

The Nets hope they're getting the one in the middle, the guy who averaged 10.0 points and 10.4 rebounds last year in his first season with any semblance of regular playing time.

The Nets announced the deal Wednesday without releasing details (courtesy of the Associated Press):

"Kris had a breakout season last year, and established himself as one of the premier rebounders in the league," Nets general manager Billy King said. "We look forward to his continued progress and his addition will certainly add stability to our frontcourt rotation."

The Nets acquired the seven-year veteran in a mid-season trade with Dallas in 2009-10. He became a free agent after last season.

Humphries has averaged of 9.3 points and 8.9 rebounds with the Nets. He was a first round draft pick of Utah in 2004 NBA Draft. He has career averages of 2.6 points and 4.7 rebounds.

In a league where owners give out four-year, $38 million-dollar deals like they're strip club brochures on a Vegas sidewalk, Humphries managed to somehow parlay a double-double season in 2011 into a relatively paltry one-year deal and a mountain of international ridicule. (When I went to Google "Kris Humphries double-double," among the choices that popped up were "Kris Humphries dumb," "Kris Humphries dumbass," "Kris Humphries duped" and "Kris Humphries dumped." Even Google can't resist!)

Such a trainwreck. Go to YouTube and you get lost in a "Related Video" hell of Humphries's complete and total lack of charisma...

THE PROPOSAL

I love the proposal video for two reasons: First, this particular video was uploaded in a mirrored view, but it's fun to pretend that it was uploaded correctly and Kris Humphries really doesn't know how to make letters and properly spell "WILL YOU MARRY ME?" (mostly because there's about a 30 percent chance he doesn't). Second, between Kim's machine gun-like barrage of "OH MY GOD"s and Humphries's inability to enunciate words, this video feels

way

more like two eighth graders deciding to go steady than two adults agreeing to spend

the next 72 days

the rest of their lives together.

THE NAME CHANGE

Like Kris Humphries, I'm a traditional guy who likes to see a woman take the last name of her husband whenever possible, but Kim giving up her last name would be brand-marketing suicide (even if it's a brand whose genesis is....wait, how did she become famous again?). Bonus points to Humph for going to the "pretend to do shit on his iPhone" move when he wasn't getting his way. I've perfected that one, too.

THE FART

Honestly, the fact that Humph farted on her almost makes up for the metrosexual gaiety of his getting a pedicure. Almost.

The moral of this Kris Humphries cautionary tale is if you're going to take Reggie Bush's sloppy seconds, it's much more lucrative in fee agency to do that with the Saints' all-purpose back position than with Bush's women.

After all, Darren Sproles got four years, $14 million from the Saints this past offseason.

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.


Follow Hair Balls News on Facebook and on Twitter @HairBallsNews.

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