Living in Houston, I'm guessing very few of you know anything about lacrosse. I'm guessing even fewer of you know that there is actually a professional lacrosse league called the National Lacrosse League.
However, again, living in Houston (and being avid readers of the Houston Press), I'm sure practically all of you are aware of the nuances of a good lap dance. In fact, if you do live in Houston, I'd put it at -120 that you're actually getting a lap dance while you're reading this right now.
My story today is your standard "obscurity and anonymity of lacrosse meets salaciousness of the lap dance" tale.
The Boston Blazers are your typical NLL franchise -- hard working, creative, family fun. That is, assuming that your family is the kind of family that puts gift cards for strip clubs in Christmas stockings and DVRs entire days of Cinemax to save for "family movie night."
You see, in any second-tier niche sport, the sideshows that go along with the actual game -- things like fireworks, music, mascots and halftime entertainment -- are as tied to your success as the performance of the team. So along those lines, did the Blazer marketing genius that thought up the "give the Blazer mascot a lap dance" contest at halftime misfire on his target audience?
I'll let you decide....
Boston Blazer management regretted the halftime show ever took place, issuing the following statement:
The Boston Blazers halftime act for Saturday's game was clearly not executed according to plan. We are extremely disappointed with elements of the halftime show. We had intended to provide an entertaining and fun halftime environment for our fans and that is not what transpired. The Boston Blazers organization values our fans and have taken their feedback very seriously.
Now, I grew up in New England, and I'll be the first to tell you that people are generally stuffier in that part of the country than they are in the south. Was the mascot lap dance a bad idea? In Boston, perhaps it was. In fact, word on the street is that numerous Blazer season ticket holders were so appalled that they have vowed to never return to a game ever again.
But one city's trash is another city's treasure. I am no longer a New Englander, I am a Houstonian. After all, I live here...in Houston -- a city with such minimal zoning law that if there were any less logic to the geographic coexistence of different business genres, you'd have strippers serving communion and teaching Sunday School at churches.
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So consider this my plea to the Boston Blazers -- don't change your marketing strategy, change your ZIP code. Move the franchise to Houston, where you can conduct mascot lap dances at halftime to the raucous cheers of one of the strip club meccas in the free world with no fear of reprisal.
Truth be told, if there were a Mascot Lap Dance league, the Houston franchise would be like the New York Yankees -- a powerhouse, not to be messed with. (For the record, Houstonians would much rather have a Mascot Lap Dance league that played lacrosse at halftime than vice versa, but I digress.)
So head south, Blazers. Your brand of marketing is welcome here. Just be sure to save the champagne room for Toro and Clutch.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from noon to 3 p.m. weekdays and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.