Let's face it, almost every dude has been there: It's February 13, and you're just coming out of a K2-induced fugue state. Rubbing your bloodshot eyes and picking yourself off the floor of the abandoned tannery you're in for some reason, the events of the last 24 hours come trickling in: There was a giant talking bird that told you about this awesome party; or maybe it was just your friend, Pete, disguised as a giant bird. That's just the kind of thing Pete would do.
There were indoor fireworks, an awesome DJ and an absolutely amazing platter of cold cuts. But then it hits you: You had meant to get your significant other a thoughtful, romantic Valentine's Day present yesterday, and you've nearly blown it. No time to go to the Galleria. No, you've got to hit one of the convenience stores you pass on the way home, crossing your fingers that there' a hidden treasure inside. Well, you're in luck, pal, because there's an absolute bounty in these places. Here are eight suggestions.
8. No More Flakes-brand dandruff-eliminating shampoo Does your baby make it snow when she shakes that otherwise gorgeous head of hair? She's probably just been too self-conscious to buy dandruff shampoo herself. Why not come to the rescue by sparing her the public pain of admitting to everyone at the checkout line that her sloughy, brittle head-skin is one of the reasons that the vacuum-cleaner bags need to be changed so often? Do you know what this gift says? It says, "Now I can finally run my fingers through your hair without feeling all icky." She will melt.
7. Kotex Lightdays Lady-Napkins Since your S.O. lights up your every day, why not give her a totem that reminds her of the sunshine she spreads, and not just the minor discharges? These babies have incredibly soft covers -- just like her silky smooth skin. And their secure-hold adhesive will make her feel safe and protected, like you're right by her side. It's basically the perfect gift.
6. Underwood Premium Quality Deviled-Ham Spread (4.25 oz) What better way to spice things up in the bedroom than with a little food? Sure, you can be vanilla and go with chocolate, or just do the minimum with a can of whipped cream, but why not take it to a whole new level? Tell her to just lay down on the bed and forget all her troubles while you slather her every sensuous square inch with this heavenly, sodium nitrate-infused love lotion. Tell her you're going to inspect her beautiful body just like the U.S.D.A. inspected this can of meat. To kick it up a notch, microwave before applying. Trust us, this will definitely bring out the devil in her!
5. 40-Ounce Liqueur (assorted domestic) Valentine's evening is all about romance, and if you want to create the perfect ambience for an intimate dinner at home, make sure to dim the lights, light some scented candles, turn down the volume on the TV and -- most importantly -- pour her a glass of the convenience store's finest malt spirits while you wait for the Hungry Man dinners to finish microwaving. In order to make things extra classy and romantic, be sure to write her name inside a Valentine's heart when you're labeling the Styrofoam cups.
4. Magazines Whether it's vampire-romance, cookbooks or restraining orders, women love to read. Any reputable convenience store will have a well-stocked magazine rack, with a variety of publications to suit any gal's interests. Does she like tattoos? If so, why not grace her with the latest issue of Skin & Ink -- which just happens to have a fascinating and informative article on Inkfest?
If she's more of the sporting type, try Guns & Weapons For Law Enforcement. As you both snuggle on the couch, sipping your malt liqueur, you can coo seductively in her ear about the latest Taser upgrades, or about how the Wichita Police Department recently replaced its .40-caliber Glocks with 9 mms. If you're feeling especially frisky, make sure to check out the bottom shelves, where many stores keep publications for a more mature audience, like Barely Legal. Reading isn't just fundamental -- it can be sexy, too!
3. Lotto Tickets You can't win your baby's heart if you don't play. Let her know you want to scratch off her dress. Show her some real Powerballs. We think you can see where we're going with this.
2. Notebook Paper How do I love thee? Let me count the ways, then jot them down on a 10 1/2" x 8", three-hole-punched piece of regular-rule filler paper. This gift shows how you want to write her an essay on love. Tell her you'll have to settle for a number-two pencil, because she's number one in your heart, and watch her blush.
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1. Tostitos Salsa con Queso This delicious dip may be made with real cheese, but there will be nothing cheesy about her expression when she opens that little blue box to find a tamper-proof sealed jar of liquid golden goodness. (Actually, since it probably won't fit in a little blue box, we suggest using a shoebox.) Earn extra points by telling her that, since there are no trans fats, she won't even have to worry too much about adding to that problem area around her thighs. She will feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. (Note: This can also be used as a substitute for the deviled-ham spread.)
Now that we've saved Valentine's Day for you, we wish you the best.