Turns out the Mean Girl wasn't so mean after all.
Former child star and current cautionary tale Lindsay Lohan broke down in court after receiving a 90-day jail sentence for probation violation:
"Are you serious?" she sobbed to her attorney as she furiously plucked Kleenex out of a tissue box and covered her face as she grappled with the prospect of jail.
Lohan had appealed to the judge directly for leniency, admitting that she was scared and told the court, "I did everything I was told to do," she said. "I thought I was being compliant. I did the best that I could.
"I wasn't asking for special treatment...I was just trying to balance my jobs. I don't want you to think I don't respect you or your terms."
Judge Revel handed down 30-day terms for two counts of Driving under the Influence and one count of Reckless Driving, and ordered that the sentences be served consecutively.
I'd be crying too, except mine would be tears of joy at having skated out of two DUI raps with a mere 60 days in county. Speculation abounds as to Lohan's future viability as an actor, yet one thing's certain, her meek reaction to the sentence lies in stark contrast to past celebrity courtroom outbursts.
1. Michelle Marvin Triola
Triola's lawsuit against legendary Hollywood tough guy Lee Marvin set the standard for future community property cases, even though she didn't receive nearly what she was suing for. Since it happened back in the '70s, there's no footage of the trial, but I'm including it anyway because I remember hearing somewhere that she actually punched Marvin in the face during the proceedings. And because Dan Aykroyd's verbal tear down of Triola here is one of the funniest things SNL has ever done.
2. Earl "DMX" Simmons
After failing to make a court appearance in Arizona, rapper Simmons was arrested at a Miami Walmart. His obvious delight at appearing in court -- again -- is evident here. Though to be fair, that judge does kind of seem like a dick.
3. Victoria Gotti
The widow of John Gotti had some not-so-kind words for the judge during the racketeering trial of her son, John A. Gotti:
"F----- animals!" screamed the seething mother of defendant John A. (Junior) Gotti. "They're railroading you! They're doing to you what they did to your father!"
Junior Gotti turned from the defense table to soothe his mother, but the wife of late mobster John (Dapper Don) Gotti ignored her 45-year-old son -- and escalated her profane tirade.
"They're doing to you what they did to your father," the volatile Mafia mom ranted. "You f------ liar! You bastard!"
"They're the gangsters, right there!" she yelled. "The f------ gangsters! You son of a bitches! Put your own sons in there. You bastards!"
Apparently Dina Lohan wanted to go on a similar rant, but feared the consequences for future reality-show negotiations.
4. Tupac Shakur
Tupac's famous courtroom speech, in which he asserted that no one but God could truly judge him, was obviously memorable. Unfortunately, it also conveniently ignored that fact that the Supreme Being isn't currently authorized to sit on the bench in California.
5. Tasered Dude
Fine, so he's not a celebrity, but Lohan is still lucky she didn't jump up and threaten the prosecutor, like this Louisville, KY defendant. Though it probably would have done wonders for her street cred.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, that a YouTube search for "courtroom taser" yields three pages of hits, or the utterly blase expressions of the courtroom officers here: "Oh yawn, another tasering.
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