As you might have heard, Lubbock County Judge Tom Head has taken the bold, possibly insane stand that if President Obama is re-elected, a civil war will arise in the land and Panhandle pols will need a 1.7-cent tax increase to bolster their defenses against a United Nations invasion.
Head made the remarks in a local Fox interview in which he appeared with the county sheriff.
"[Obama's] going to try to hand over the sovereignty of the United States to the UN, and what is going to happen when that happens?," Head asked.
"I'm thinking the worst. Civil unrest, civil disobedience, civil war maybe. And we're not just talking a few riots here and demonstrations, we're talking Lexington, Concord, take up arms and get rid of the guy.
"Now what's going to happen if we do that, if the public decides to do that? He's going to send in U.N. troops. I don't want 'em in Lubbock County. OK. So I'm going to stand in front of their armored personnel carrier and say 'you're not coming in here'.
"And the sheriff, I've already asked him, I said 'you gonna back me' he said, 'yeah, I'll back you'. Well, I don't want a bunch of rookies back there. I want trained, equipped, seasoned veteran officers to back me."
Damn straight. We've all seen how inept "a bunch of rookies" can be when it comes to repelling foreign invaders.
Of course, Head says now that his remarks were "taken out of context," which is politico-speak for "Shit, you mean this has gone viral?"
Head says his county judge job entails being ready for the "worst-case scenario" that may befall Lubbock County, and that includes anything from devastating tornadoes to, apparently, a Democratic victory in the White House.
But Head should keep some factors in mind as he sets out to defend the Panhandle.
Such as: 5. The UFO factor The Lubbock area does not include just the bucolic, bustling metropolis of Lubbock, it also includes Levelland (the area is part of the Lubbock-Levelland Combined Statistical Area, as you no doubt know already.)
And Levelland means....UFOs.
In 1957 the area was inundated with UFO sightings.
In Levelland, and contrary to what the Project Blue Book files allege, there were witnesses in at least thirteen separate locations who reported the EM effects without the time necessary for the news media or the local grapevines to pass that nugget.
Although you could argue that one or two of the witnesses who surfaced the next day might have heard or read something about the sighting prior to making a statement, the majority of them told their tales without knowing there were other witnesses in other areas who had seen, heard, and experienced the same things they had.
So, Judge Head, you best realize you will not simply be dealing with blue-bereted peacekeepers from Norway or Poland. You'll be dealing with all the otherwordly weaponry that can be brought to bear by pissed-off ETs, fresh back from a 1957 scouting mission.
4. Obama's fifth column You might think Lubbock County would be a hotbed of rightwing secessionist extremism, and frankly at this point we can't think of a way to talk you out of that.
But be aware that Obama will have some (non-UN) troops on the ground acting as a fifth column for his invasion efforts: Almost one-third of the 100,000 or so residents who voted in the 2008 presidential election went for the Democrat.
By mistake, surely, but still -- they're there. They're there in sleeper cells, ready to react to the go-signal that alerts them that it is time to end this so-called "last best hope of earth."
Unless Tom Head can stop them.
3. Is a 1.7-cent increase really enough? The UN, not to mention the Obama administration, is probably fitted out with the latest in arms and firepower.
Now, we're sure Lubbock has had its greedy mouth full up to the trough when it comes to Department of Homeland Security Christmas-in-July handouts, and officials there are equipped with the latest in SWAT units, Uzis and drones.
But as Head has acknowledged, it's not enough. A 1.7-cent per $100 assessment is needed to get Lubbock County in optimal shape to fight.
To which we say, "Really? You're tipping off your plans, making your county the laughingstock of the nation, all for a 1.7-cent increase? You probably have that much money rolling around in your county couches. C'mon -- trade in an armored unit and get what you need.
Or have a bake sale or something. We're sure you guys can come up with an alternative way to get the cash.
Head is probably kicking himself for not setting up a Webpage-donation operation -- we're sure there are yahoos out there willing to finance his brave rebellion. 2. Where to defend first? Lubbock calls itself -- although no one else does -- "The Texas you've always dreamed of."
Which means, no doubt, many strategic targets for the UN to hit...and Tom Head to defend.
An inkling of the military scouting that will be necessary comes via what we'll have to consider a top-secret briefing on potential Lubbock targets, cleverly disguised under the code name "Lubbock Nightlife."
There we learned of a potential invasion date, one apparently designed to take the area by surprise by not waiting until election results were in.
On August 12, the one-and-only Blues Brothers appeared at Lubbock's Cactus Theater, an event sure to distract any locals from their defensive duties.
(Note: In Lubbock, the "one-and-only Blues Brothers" act does not contain any actual Aykroyds, Belushis or Goodmans):
Dustin Garrett and Jason Fellers will amaze you with their fantastic rendition of the Blues Brothers. Their appearance in June was acclaimed as one of the best shows ever produced at the Cactus Theater.
It was only through the steely-eyed discipline of Tom Head's troops, we're sure, that a UN invasion on that date was thwarted. Or maybe the UN dudes got caught up in the magic of Dustin Garrett and Jason Fellers, too.
1. What should we call this army? The Headstrong Volunteers? The Fightin' Foot-In-Mouthers?
The Out-Of-Context, Out-Of-Their-Minds Lubbockians?
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SHOW ME HOW
The "Typical Texas Tech Fans"?
So many possibilities. What about a slogan? Every good army needs a slogan!
"Give 'em Head!!"....Nah, probably not.