Panhandle politicos. Just when you think they can't get any crazier, they keep talking.
Case in point: Lubbock County judge Tom Head. On Monday night, flanked by Lubbock County Commissioner Mark Heinrich, Head went on Lubbock's FOX TV affiliate and warned the flatlanders of the dire consequences of their possibly turning down a proposed 1.7 cent boost of the tax rate next year. County law enforcement really needs that money, he said; otherwise neighboring counties will come swooping in waving dollar bills around and poaching assistant DAs, and the sheriff claims to need to hire seven more deputies.
But that's humdrum, stuff you hear all the time from conventional politicians in sane parts of the country. Head just had to open up a can of paranoid Panhandle whoop-ass on the Lubbock electorate. (Watch Head's video here.)
Why, Head continued, just think of what could happen should Barack Obama win re-election:
"He's going to try to hand over the sovereignty of the United States to the UN, and what is going to happen when that happens?" Head asked, before quickly answering his own question. "I'm thinking the worst. Civil unrest, civil disobedience, civil war maybe. And we're not just talking a few riots here and demonstrations, we're talking Lexington, Concord, take up arms and get rid of the guy."
If that calamity should unfold, Obama will have no choice but to send in vast hordes of UN troops to every corner of this unruly land, most especially to that hotbed of Red State patriotism, Lubbock, Texas.
"I don't want 'em in Lubbock County," Head fumed, as an interviewer nodded in seeming agreement. "Okay. So I'm going to stand in front of their armored personnel carrier and say, 'You're not coming in here'."
Surely his mere disapproval should be enough to turn back the Red Tide of godless commie UN armored columns, but even a badass like Head would welcome a little back-up.
"And the sheriff, I've already asked him, I said, 'You gonna back me,' he said, 'Yeah, I'll back you,'" Head continued. "Well, I don't want a bunch of rookies back there. I want trained, equipped, seasoned veteran officers to back me." (Wait a minute -- didn't he say that he wanted the increase so he could hire seven new cops? So they would be rookies, guys who lack the cigar-chomping Chuck Norris stuff required to halt Generalissimo Obama's tanks dead in their tracks.)
"Imagine if a leftist or radical from Lubbock said the same thing," Lubbock activist Melissa Borrett tells Hair Balls. (Back in April, Borrett scandalized the town by opening a nude maid service.) "They would be labeled as a terrorist. But when somebody like [Head] says it, I think the public would largely back him." (Maybe there is hope for the Panhandle after all, as Borrett could be wrong. Most of the comments on the Fox site were opposed to Head's wacko fulminations.)
But still... I mean, this is an elected judge talking in a public forum, not some half-drunk yahoo spouting off on late-night AM radio. Seriously. And Judge Head evidently believes that the only way voters there will approve his socialist tax increase is to prey on their ludicrous fears of socialist Barack Hussein Obama's looming one-world gummint. Head must think that BS has traction, that it will play. And that host seems to think he's a pretty smart guy. And that is freaking terrifying.
Let's just leave it at this. Can't the rest of Texas saw the Panhandle off? And Midland too? Can we donate that dusty mess to Oklahoma? Would even a crazy place like Oklahoma want to take possession of those red-assed loons?
UPDATE 5:20 P.M.: Speaking to Lubbockonline, Judge Head attempted to clarify his words, saying it was only a "possible worst-case" scenario he needed to prepare his people for as part of his duties as head of emergency management in the area:
I'm not saying we're going to take [newly hired law enforcement officers] and stand in front of the UN. I have to think of, as emergency management director I have to think of worst case scenario, and I used that as an example yesterday. Okay, in my opinion, the worst case scenario politically and financially right now is if Obama and the Senate Democrats stay in power. Okay, because I have some opinions what they're doing and what they're trying to do if they stay in power. And I have to prepare for that, okay.
Does that mean I think the UN's going to come rolling into Lubbock? No. That probably isn't going to happen. An F-5 tornado probably is not going to come into Lubbock. I've got to prepare for it, though.
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And who knows, Obama might just send one his way. It already looks like the president has dispatched an Obamacane to the Republican National Convention.
Once again, Judge Head, your wisdom shames us all.
See the 5 factors Head will have to take into account as he tries to repel the UN/Obama invasion, including UFOs, Lubbock nightlife and the almost one-third of county voters who actually went Democratic in 2008.