Metro Rolls Out Facebook & Twitter Accounts To Zero Fanfare

In a press release clearly launched from the Stone Age, the Bayou City's Metropolitan Transit Authority (that's Metro, if you're nasty) puffed up its chest and triumphantly declared today that it is "expanding the conversation by adding social media tools Facebook and Twitter to its communication portfolio."

Oh goody gumdrops! Yes, folks, that's a bona fide quote, straight from the horse's mouth. We know you're trying to decide whether to yawn or vomit. Just remove your finger from your throat before you injure yourself, will you? Besides, everyone knows that you add tools to a toolbox, not to a portfolio. Except the tools themselves, perhaps. But hey, we digress.

All joshin' aside, thank both goodness and the guy in the sky that Metro is on Facebook and Twitter now. Seriously. What would you do without Metro's tweets and status updates? You'd shrivel up and perish, that's what. We're also counting our lucky stars that said momentous occasion is aptly commemorated by a Flash banner on their website. Metro's really gone big time now, eh? It's like, 2002 all up in this place!

And, like, isn't it terrific that the laptop-wielding and smartphone-toting homeless Houstonians that primarily patronize public transportation can now become Facebook fans of Metro and "get the digital dialogue started"? And hey, how forward-thinking is it of Metro that the city's vagabond population can get "real-time short messages, or tweets, about bus or rail service" sent directly to their mobile devices?

Oh, whoops, our bad. The riffraff can't get a lift on the light rail. We forgot.

Poor, poor Metro. You make our cheeks turn red with embarrassment, like the little sister that simply refuses to cease jamming her finger up her nose and retrieving (and consuming) juicy morsels of booger. Metro, sweet Metro, when you actually start doing something newsworthy, Social Distortion will bless you with the permission to "get connected" with your riders, the web savvy demographic that you seem to understand so well.

Until then, we're pretty sure that your presence in the social media sphere indicates that Facebook and Twitter are no longer cool or influential, and you make us want to slit our digital wrists out of sheer apathy.

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