Michael Brown: "I'm Terrified of Going to Jail"

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Both sides of the Michael "I Am Sorry for Fucking Your Mother Instead of Someone Else" Brown freakshow rested today, and Judge Sheri Dean will deliver her decision Friday at 10:30 a.m. Brown faces a maximum of six months in Harris County Jail if he's found liable for violations of a family court order regulating his personal expenditures.

Attorney Robert Hoffman eviscerated Brown on the stand, leaving Brown's lawyer, John Nichols, to mop up a hot mess of crazy, which he tried to do by telling the judge that his client's one night in jail was a wake-up call sufficient to rectify a quarter-century of completely batshit behavior.

"It was absolutely agonizing, horrible," Brown said of his jail time. "I'm diagnosed with a medical condition, post-traumatic stress order; it was very difficult to deal with. I have high blood pressure [and] had no medicine. It was horrible, I'm terrified of going to jail and I'm absolutely not going to violate any court order."

Brown did not elaborate upon, nor did Nichols ask, the cause of this PTSD, but Hair Balls believes Brown suffered traumatically when he used a broken bedpost to beat his pregnant wife in front of their two-year-old daughter in 2000, before shooting at her through a locked bathroom door. We're sure that having to beat a defenseless, pregnant woman like that is a harrowing experience.

In Nichols's defense, not even Clarence Darrow's reanimated corpse could have mustered up a viable defense for Brown, who, in what appears to be a flagrant violation of court orders, spent millions on yachts, real estate, jewelry, and clothes for himself and at least one ex-girlfriend.

Nichols just had nothing to work with, something that was illustrated by the defense's own rebuttal witness, a retired U.S. Army General named David Grange, who was hired 13 days ago to figure out how to turn around Brown's crumbling constellation of corporations.

Grange testified that he was approached by one of Brown's 8,472 attorneys, Robert Hantman (the guy you want on your side when you're accused of giving some gal the anal herp), to save the business, but that he still needed about another month to figure out what's what. Grange also testified that he "heard" that Brown was "suspended" from the practice of medicine, clearly indicating this is one retired general who's done his homework.

Grange testified that if a "tourniquet" wasn't immediately applied to Brown's hemorrhaging empire, it would go down the tubes in two to six months.

We'll keep you posted.

Our other coverage of the hearing: Starring Jeff Bagwell; starring women who fleece his innocent self.

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