Here's a riddle: What do you do when you are facing sentencing in federal court for choking a flight attendant after telling her you wanted to "fuck" her and a co-worker, while at the same time ignoring another judge's bench warrant for your arrest?
Well, if you're Michael "Act Like Your [sic] Enjoying it and He'll Only Take 5 Minutes" Brown, you sue the shit out of everyone within humanitarian-award-hurling-distance, that's what.
On the heels of a federal civil rights lawsuit he filed against attorneys representing estranged wife Rachel Brown, Brown has filed suit against the guy he and one of his cadre of attorneys hand-picked to save Brown's hemorrhaging empire.
Brown and lawyer Robert Hantman -- the man to call if you've been accused of spreading anal herpes -- proposed the hiring of retired U.S. Army General David Grange in March, when Brown was facing jail time for buying a mansion and yachts and a bunch of other small-penis-syndrome symptoms in violation of a court order.
But according to the suit, filed earlier this month in Miami-Dade District Court, Brown only signed his contract with Grange "as a result of extreme duress." (The two haven't been on speaking terms; Brown allegedly challenged Grange to a Pay-Per-View boxing match.) Brown is accusing Grange of not providing him with the contractually mandated "reasonable living expenses," which in Brown's case was $45,000 per month. To put that in perspective, that's only 75 percent of the recommended monthly stripper allotment for some people. (To add insult to injury, Brown claims that he was forced to use his June stipend "for legal expenses.")
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Per the contract, Grange was supposed to get Brown's empire -- think of Jiffy Lube doing carpal-tunnel procedures -- in order. But Grange has testified that he's had to sell off dozens of Brown's luxury automobiles just to make payroll. Grange, on behalf of the company, is currently trying to sell off Brown's Miami mansion to cover various other expenses.
But Brown claims in his suit that Grange is "engaged in a wholesale liquidation of assets at fire sale prices without regard to [Brown's] businesses" in breach of the contract. This has caused Brown to suffer "irreparable injury." (The suit doesn't say it, but we're guessing that having your yachts, cars, ranch and mansion sold out from under you probably hurts more than...oh...having your face bashed in with a broken bedpost.)
Brown also claims that Grange and his staff "are draining necessary capital for purposes of paying themselves and their own personnel, while simultaneously ignoring the needs of various businesses..."
We left a message for the Miami lawyer Brown somehow talked into crafting this thing and will update if we hear back. We just hope that dude got paid upfront.