Michael Brown's Sex Tips


Michael Brown's Sex Tips
Give it up to your man

By Craig Malisow

We're guessing many fathers might feel uncomfortable discussing sex with their daughters. And it's a real shame, because, based on what we're reading in Dr. Michael Brown's "Letters to Sophie," telling your daughter that the key to a happy, successful marriage is to fuck your husband a lot, is in fact not creepy – it's natural, beautiful, and the responsible thing for a parent to do.

And Brown certainly knows what he's talking about: some of the letters describe how suicidal he gets over Sophie's mother's "emotional abuse," which includes withholding sex; one letter was supposedly written in a pasture, where he sat down with pen, paper, pistol, and pillow to muffle a self-inflicted gunshot. But in the missive below, he imparts words of wisdom that every father should share with his female children. (We copied this directly from the letter, so any spelling/punctuation oddities are Brown's).

There are two aspects of sex....it's psycology and the technical aspect. Both are important. I am writing and describing to you the psycologic basis and atmosphere you are responsible in creating to promote sex which is essential to marital bliss. I am writing another book about the technical aspects of sex which I will give you when you get married.

The "technical book" will enlighten you. Your husband must have one too — I'll write it if not for a brother of yours yet to be born than for him for you too deserve the...totality of sexual ecstasies — God's gifts to be enjoyed, understood, and revered. Once you get the sex thing on track don't ever get complacent and forget...every 2 or 3 days at least & you initiate sex every few weeks. Use a calendar if you have to. Understand your husbands need for you two want sex (sex=love=sex) from him. If you show him you don't want sex you are in fact telling the male brain, evolved over millions of years, that you don't want his love, that you reject the...most valuable thing he can offer you, that you reject him. This is fact. Don't even think about taking issue with this one even though I want you to think for yourself....

So sacred is sex that you must never hurt another with it by witholding it or telling (or acting like) you didn't enjoy it. Sure you can tactfully let your husband know how to best please you but always he should feel that as far as you are concerned, in your eyes, he's the greatest lover who ever lived....If after sex say 20 minutes later the conversation begins with your husband saying "That was great!" rest assured he's not giving you a compliment (though he might want to) but rather he's trying to illicit a compliment from you. If you answer "yes" he's gonna continue fishing and may say "Did you enjoy it?" if you say "I said yes, quit asking" then you are diminishing the value of the just finished love-making....

During lovemaking, your partner's enjoyment should be your prime concern....not your own. If you do this then you will be a technically and emotionally great lover....This kind of lovemaking yields an orgasm multiplied many times by the emotional satisfaction of knowing your partner appreciates you....Without the emotion and letting the other know they are giving you pleasure sex is merely "mechanical" with no advantage over masturbation.

Man, we hope he hurries up and writes that "technical" guide to sex. We imagine it would include a plethora of positions and techniques. Now if you'll excuse us, we need to go poke out our eyes with a shrimp fork.


(Possibly) Hooters' Trade Secrets

By Richard Connelly

A Twin Peaks breastaurant is about to open at the corner of Kirby and the Southwest Freeway, and it is not an homage to the cult-fave TV series.

Instead, it is the product of some of the minds that brought us the Hooters chain.

Hooters is not entirely happy about this; they have sued in federal court, saying the executives who left to go to the company behind Twin Peaks took important trade secrets with them.

Recently the CEO of that company, La Cima, fired back, saying "No one ever offered Twin Peaks any of Hooters trade secrets and it's ludicrous we would ever want them anyway. To think we would benefit from using their trade secrets seems preposterous to me."

What could these trade secrets be? Hmmm. Let's take a look at excerpts from what very well might be the Hooters training manual:


Shirts: Years of expensive research — the product of which, again, is a protected trade secret — tells us customers enjoy tight shirts on waitresses. IMPORTANT: This applies only to waitresses with large breasts; see, however, subsection "boobage" for further information.

Smiling: Most restaurants require their waitresses to smile pleasantly; while we certainly do not discourage the practice, we find it is irrelevant for some reason. We are conducting research to see if perhaps customers' eyes are not focused on the waitresses' faces.

Toe, Camel: Encouraged. We find it helps promote taco sales, for some reason.

Wings: Can be as a crappy as possible, as long as other guidelines (see boobage, shirts, and toe, camel for further information) are followed.


Counterfeit-Singles Plot Foiled

By John Nova Lomax

A College Station teen was arrested recently after he attempted to pass off two counterfeit bills in the cafeteria of A&M Consolidated High School.

According to the Bryan-College Station Eagle, police say that 17-year-old Dustin Dominique Aleman gave a friend a stack of five one-dollar bills — three of them real and two of them bogus — and asked the friend to get change from the lunch lady.

That's right. This young criminal mastermind went to the trouble of forging one dollar bills. Soon enough, should all go according to plan, he would have magically transformed $3 into $5! Mwahahaha!

Nope. Lex Luthor he ain't.

Despite the fact that the kid is a rapper who goes by Young Spliff, he is evidently not much of a Devin the Dude fan, or he would have known to aim a little higher with his bogus green.

The friend offered to give Aleman a $5 bill from his own pocket, but Aleman, being a good buddy, told his friend, no, the change has to come from the lunch lady.

Evidently that lunch lady had been around the block a few times because she checked the dollar bills for authenticity. After marking them with a pen, she found that two of the bills flunked the test.

Police were summoned. Aleman was busted and is charged with state jail felony forgery of a financial instrument, punishable by two years hard time: one for each dollar he attempted to score from the cafeteria.

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Contributor Craig Malisow covers crooks, quacks, animal abusers, elected officials, and other assorted people for the Houston Press.
Contact: Craig Malisow