Miss Pop Rocks: Arrest Me, Dog Chapman

How I love the Dog. Oh my word, how I love the Dog.

I’m talking, of course, about Duane Lee “Dog” Chapman, The Bounty Hunter, whose adventures are captured on A&E’s “Dog the Bounty Hunter” show.

For those of you who don’t know, the Dog is a felon-turned-bail bondsman who operates out of Hawaii. He looks like a cross between a white version of Mr. T and a second-tier amateur wrestler.

What is it that I love about The Dog? I think it’s the yin and the yang about him. That fascinating dichotomy. I love the way he can curse a blue streak about a no-good criminal and then turn around and ask God above for his help in catching said criminal. I love how he can scream in the face of a bail-jumping meth addict and then five minutes later in the van on the way to jail, he’s praying for the meth freak and giving him a cigarette. I love how he acts so tough with his black ensemble and his mace, but he’s not so tough to be afraid to shed some tears at his daddy’s grave.

Plus, he surrounds himself with lovable colleagues, mostly his sons and his wife, Beth. I love Beth the best. That woman has the largest breasts in the history of breasts. Many, many times I’ll be watching the show with Mr. Pop Rocks and just yelp out, “Look at her breasts!” I have a feeling they’re all natural, too, because even though they’re big, they don’t have that creepy tennis balls under skin look to them.

Beth is a true broad in every sense of that wonderful word, with her take-no-prisoners approach and her cut-your-eyes-out pink painted fingernails. She and Dog are perfect for each other, and I’m not exaggerating when I say that many times I’ve been watching Dog’s show and hoped that Mr. Pop Rocks and I could have such a strong, long-lasting relationship.

Dog’s just-released book You Can Run But You Can’t Hide has already become a bestseller, and the ridiculous charges against him for catching rapist Andrew Luster in Mexico have just been dropped. It’s going to be a good year for the Dog, which means it’s gonna be a good year for the good ole’ US of A.

P.S. Also, Ozzy Osbourne sings the show’s theme song. So rad, man! – Jennifer Mathieu

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