Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you, is there anything more pathetic than spending an hour and a half watching three back-to-back episodes ofThe Two Coreys
on A&E? The answer is, yes, there is something more pathetic. And that more pathetic thing is actuallytearing up and crying
while watching three back-to-back episodes of
on A&E. Which is what I did on Sunday. Seriously.
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Why the strong emotional reaction to a reality-show following two former teen idols? I guess it’s partly due to the fact that back in the mid-80s I was hot for the twosome. But even though I was a teenager, I was totally aware that each Corey had his own unique persona, each deserving of my individualized love and affection. I determined that Corey Haim was the party boy of the pair with a ribald sense of humor and a delicious Canadian accent (and we shared the same birthday ohmigawd!!!). I pictured us riding roller coasters and making out at the beach. Corey Feldman, however, seemed the more mature, artsier of the two, the one more likely to get into deep discussions with me regarding the realism of Judy Blume novels as we munched on Dominos pizza. Sadly, neither fantasy came true, and I was forced to marry Mr. Pop Rocks – a man who hasn’t even seen The Lost Boys!
So anyways, twenty years and a roomful of cocaine later, both Coreys have resurfaced on this cable reality show and to sum it up, I can’t look away. The show has made me all nostalgic for my prepubescent passion at the same time that it has made me feel totally and completely sorry for them both (especially for Haim). Feldman apparently spends his days preaching vegetarianism and posing behind his half-naked wife as she gets photographed for Stuff magazine, and Haim can’t even get cast in a direct-to-video sequel to The Lost Boys. (I dare any feeling person to watch the scene where a devastated Haim discovers he is not a part of the sequel and not start crying yourself. Same with the scene where Feldman throws Haim a surprise birthday party at an ice skating rink!)
The Coreys are grown-ups now, just like me. And being a grown-up means coming to terms with the fact that our dreamy teen idols often turn out to be men you would run from if you saw them at a bar. And you know, that’s enough to make a lady cry a little.
Please God, don’t let them do a New Kids on the Block reunion tour. That would simply be too much to bear. – Jennifer Mathieu