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Miss Pop Rocks: I Can’t Get Enough of Marie Osmond Fainting

Okay, so I’m totally going to Hell. Even though through the eyes of the pop culture calendar this event took place 100 years ago, I can’t get enough of Marie Osmond fainting. I’ve watched the incident on YouTube approximately 127 times since it first became available. And I’m not the only one. The Marie Osmond fainting clip is fast becoming the Zapruder film of our time.

As everyone knows by now, Marie Osmond fainted on live television shortly after a recent performance on Dancing with the Stars. Now, I want to make something totally clear. I do not watch Dancing With the Stars. And I have never seen the dance number Marie performed shortly before fainting on live television because I really couldn’t care less about the dance number.

All I want is to watch Marie Osmond faint. Again and again and again.

I should also say that I have nothing against Marie, really. Mr. Pop Rocks and I are fascinated with her creepy dolls and, when he was but a wee lad, Mr. Pop Rocks was actually a member of the Donny and Marie Fan Club. So you could even say that we’re a pro-Marie Osmond household.

But I love to watch her faint. I love the way she jumps around spastically just before judge Len Goodman starts blabbing on, unaware of what I know – that in just 42 seconds she will tip her head forward and hit the floor with a thud. I love the irony in host Tom Bergeron’s pre-fainting comment (“No sleeping this week”) and way the crowd at first laughs out loud when Marie faints. Like they’re thinking silly old Marie has gone and played a practical joke on them.

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It’s the strange little touches in the clip. The quick shot of musical director Harold Wheeler smiling into the camera, clueless over the carnage his fast-paced, live samba music will soon be responsible for. The way judge Len Goodman doesn’t seem at all concerned that Marie has fainted, and in fact looks down at his papers like he’s shuffling them around, waiting for someone to tell him what to do next. The random shot of Marie’s rear end in that god-ugly blue lamé dress as the camera pans out over the balcony.

I’ve been into similar falls. Miss USA Rachel Smith’s tumble and quick recovery during the Miss Universe pageant. The infamous Chris from QVC hitting the pavement after he bit it on a retractable ladder. But none have satisfied me as much as Marie’s fainting spell.

And without YouTube, I wouldn’t have been able to view this fall over and over again. In fact, I never would have seen the fall – or many of the gaffes, mistakes, and accidents available on YouTube – in the first place without the magic of the Internet. So I have to ask myself, is YouTube actually making me a worse human being?

But before I reflect on that question, I’m going to hit “replay” one more time. -- Jennifer Mathieu

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