Keep Houston Press Free

Miss Pop Rocks: Ice Cream and Marie Osmond

This past Saturday, I found myself slumped on the couch with Mr. Pop Rocks watching Marie Osmond hawking her line of porcelain dolls on QVC. Yes, I was watching QVC. On a Saturday night. The one highlight of the evening was that I was simultaneously consuming Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream while watching QVC. But really, when that’s the “highlight” of your evening, that’s just sad.

For those of you not familiar with the Marie Osmond line of porcelain dolls, I urge you to either go to www.marieosmond.com or flip to QVC in the middle of the night. You’ll get to meet such bizarre and freakish dolls as Lil’ Pumpkin, Bitty Beauty Bug, and Merry Kisses Tiny Tot. They all have a creepy coquettishness to them, complete with eternally rosy cheeks and bee-stung lips. This is made all the more creepy when paired with Marie’s on-air descriptions.

“Look at her tongue, just look at how her little tongue just sticks right out,” purred everyone’s favorite Mormon as she cuddled some doll named Petals or Baby Angel or something equally pornoesque. I rolled my eyes, not sure who I was more disgusted with, me or Marie.

“You know, when I was a little girl, I loved to play with dolls, and I would never have wanted those things,” I said to Mr. Pop Rocks. “They’re too fragile to really play with.”

“Then who buys them?” he asked.

“I think mostly grown women named Destiny who have a lot of wood paneling in their homes and shop at, like, Dress Barn,” I answered. “Not to reduce them to a cultural stereotype or anything, but that’s my guess. And I’m willing to bet a couple of pedophiles are on her mailing list.”

“Maybe you should write your master’s thesis on this topic since you’re so informed,” he muttered, reaching for his Jack and Coke.

Right after the moment when one woman called in to announce she had named her child after one of the QVC hosts (I swear to God), I threw the spoon into the (now empty) ice cream carton in disgust.

I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Houston and help keep the future of Houston Press free.

“What the hell has happened to us?” I cried out to Mr. Pop Rocks.

He didn’t answer, only shrugged, barely able to move his shoulders up and down, so sucked in was he by the train wreck that is Marie Osmond’s porcelain doll collection.

“I guess now we do this,” he said in a resigned tone. “Oh my God, look. They have a Baby Elvis doll.”

At least now I know what to get him for Christmas. -- Jennifer Mathieu

Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.


Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.