Let me back up. Maureen McCormick, better known as Teen Queen and all-around popular girl Marcia Brady, has written a soon-to-be-published tell-all entitled “Here’s the Story,” which supposedly reveals her “Brady Bunch” backstage dalliances with Eve Plumb. Eve, as you may recall, played the totally neurotic and painfully insecure Jan Brady. (Guess which Brady girl Miss Pop Rocks identified with?)
If you want more dirty details, you can go here, or just Google 'Marcia Jan gay?!?' like I did. I’m kinda freakin’ out about this, but before you go accusing me of not loving lesbians and gays, shut your mouth. I looooove me some gays and have attended my share of Pride Parades where I once screamed out my never-to-be-returned love to Chad Allen.
No, what troubles me about this little situation is the same thing that troubled me back when I read Barry “Greg” Williams’ autobiography “Growing Up Brady,” wherein he revealed his make out sessions with Maureen (guess she got around) as well as his crush on “mom” Florence Henderson! It troubled me then and it troubled me now.
And the trouble is…I don’t want the Bradys to be sexual.
Ever since Miss Pop Rocks was but a wee lass, back in the day when she used to watch “The Brady Bunch” twice a day every day on TBS, the show fulfilled a deep need and longing that only the well-scrubbed, totally innocent Bradys could fill. While my own teenage life was collapsing around me in a hail storm of depression, bitchy friends, and fights with my mother, The Bradys were everything that is fake, manipulated, scripted, and stupid about the family sitcom, and my God, I loved them for it. Nothing went wrong in Brady World. No one got seriously ill (measles don’t count), no one died (Tiger just disappeared into the ether), and everything was resolved in 22 minutes or so.
By revealing anything sexual about the Bradys or the people who played them (which in my sad mind are the same thing), suddenly they’re just real people, full of shortcomings and problems and issues like the rest of us.
No, I like my Bradys like I liked them back in the days of my 80s reruns. Clean, naïve, with no toilet and no move that went beyond first base. And anyway, do you know how many “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!” jokes we’re gonna have to hear from now on? – Jennifer Mathieu