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Miss Pop Rocks: My Day with Britney

I just don’t think this would be a pop culture blog without the required Britney Spears post. So in light of all that’s happened to her recently, here goes.

Sure, there were more provocative photos out there we could've run, but we wouldn't do that to our BFF.

First, let me say Britney has served her purpose well. For reasons not fully known to us, she tarted herself up and allowed us, America, to ogle her teenage sexuality in a slightly icky yet still technically legal way. She grew up a bit and continued to titillate and shock us, kissing Madonna, getting married in Vegas, dancing with a giant python. Then she dutifully went through the necessary steps of “growing up” – marrying K-Fed, spawning two babies. And then, when all the stars were perfectly aligned, Britney obediently complied with the traditional next act in the life of an American Celebrity. She fell totally and completely apart. The rehab, the shaved head, the attack on the paparazzi with an umbrella. Can you say schadenfreude? (Me neither, but you know what I mean.)

The Rise to Fame, the Name in Lights, the Demise of America’s Sweetheart…we as citizens of the USA need this pattern to play out every so often, and so, before I go any further, I want to thank Britney for her sacrifice.

And in that spirit of thanks, I should say I truly feel bad for the girl. The thing is, I actually wouldn’t mind hanging out with Britney. When I asked some of my girlfriends who they would rather spend time with, Britney, Paris, Nicole, or Lindsay, they all immediately answered Britney, and I think they’re right.

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Cuz Brit’s just way more real.

A day with Britney would start off with breakfast at the House of Pies or maybe 59 Diner. We’d wear matching tanks and short shorts and super big sunglasses tinted pink. Then we’d jet off to Six Flags Fiesta Texas in her private plane, and once we were there, we’d ride every ride together, stopping only for a totally yummy lunch of funnel cakes and hot dogs. Her favorite ride would be Der Twister, and mine would be the Road Runner Express.

After, we’d fly back to my house to drink some Bud Lights, eat Doritos, and watch Oprah. Then we’d dye each other’s hair, do each other’s make-up, and take every quiz in Cosmo. Once she’d called her nanny back in California to make sure Sean Preston and Jayden James were okay (see, she’s totally, like, a great mom), we’d start getting ready to go out. For dinner, we’d split a Joe’s at Star, and then we’d head down to Rudz to throw darts and drink gin and tonics. (She’d probably want to go to all the clubs downtown, but I’d show her that Rudz was way more fun.) After a final nightcap at Poison Girl, I’d let her sleep in our guest room, full of sweet dreams about her super fun day with me.

Yeah, I can totally imagine hanging with Britney. I mean, do you think Paris Hilton would even know what Six Flags Fiesta Texas is? Really, people. – Jennifer Mathieu

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