Miss Pop Rocks: Pop Culture Dealbreakers

Mr. Pop Rocks and I were up late last weekend watching VH1’s “Classic 120 Minutes,” which in case you didn’t know is a two-hour program showing videos that people of a certain age enjoy...Husker Du, Sonic Youth, early R.E.M., etc. At one point in the lineup, a Depeche Mode song came on.

“Oh my God,” screamed Mr. Pop Rocks, clutching his ears. “Oh my God, Depeche Mode!”

I stared.

“They’re not so bad. What’s your problem?”

“Depeche Mode is Satan’s spawn, and I hate them. They have this cult of very, very weird fans that I can’t deal with.”

I pondered this statement, then asked, “Are you saying that if everything about me was exactly the same with the exception that I was really, really into Depeche Mode, we wouldn’t be together?”

He nodded, totally serious.

“Yes, if you were really, really into Depeche Mode, we would not be married. Being really, really into Depeche Mode is something that may seem normal on the surface but in fact is not normal,” he announced, then started mumbling about having to take road trips listening to nothing but Depeche Mode my God.

This led to us having a conversation about what we termed Pop Culture Dealbreakers – things that simply can’t be abided if there is to be a chance at a long-term relationship. In my opinion, the only out if you fall into one of these categories is meeting someone who shares your obsession.

*Needing to go to the Texas Renaissance Festival in costume. (Bonus: Referring to it as “the RenFest.” Double Bonus: Also needing to go to Dickens on the Strand in costume)

*Collecting anything that takes up more than one room in your house (e.g. McDonald’s Happy Meal toys, Beanie Babies, snow globes).

*Attending any mass meeting of fellow obsessed fans (e.g. Star Trek Conventions or any event that ends in “con”).

*Believing that Bjork speaks for you.

*Believing that Michael Stipe speaks for you.

*Taking Burning Man very seriously.

*Being convinced that one band, and one band only, speaks the truth. (Bonus: That band is The Eagles. Double Bonus: That band is Journey.)

*Owning every episode of some old television show on DVD and viewing each episode over and over until you know every word of dialogue and act out the characters by yourself as you watch (e.g. “Barney Miller,” “The Brady Bunch,” “The White Shadow”).

*Being over the age of 16 and looooooving anime. (Creepy Bonus: You are an adult male into young female anime characters.)

*Spending more than one hour a day on message boards associated with debating theories for the television show “Lost.”

*Believing that Michael Jackson as he exists today is still a relevant artist and/or genius.

Did we miss any? Of course we did. Feel free to add your own Pop Culture Dealbreakers to this list. – Jennifer Mathieu

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