Despite being a college graduate and having a wealth of useless knowledge stored away in my brain (Who is Kafka? What is Hegelism? Where is The Bering Strait? Blah blah blah)...anyway, despite my mind being littered with trivia from school days, I must admit that my biggest education has come from watching television. And I don't mean cheesy stuff like I learned aliens like to eat cats (ALF) or whatever. I mean useful, real facts that have actually come in handy in life. A hell of a lot more handy than knowing about Kafka, that fucking nutcase.
So allow me to list a few precious gems I've gathered from my years of television watching. What lessons have you learned?
All About Menopause (The Golden Girls)
I never knew your period stopped until I watched The Golden Girls and witnessed Blanche freaking out about "the change." I also learned about lanais, artificial insemination, and homosexuality from The Golden Girls. Thanks, ladies!
What RICO Is (Law & Order)
Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act. Used to stop mafiosos and other bad guys. Law & Order also taught me that cops lie and are allowed to by law! I'm keeping my mouth shut if I ever find myself in an interrogation room.
Charcoal For Overdoses? Yes, It's True (ER)
There were multiple episodes of this show where some tweaked-out teen had activated charcoal shoved down his or her throat in an effort to keep them out of the morgue. Still not sure what it does for drug overdoses, but it's nice to know it does more for us than just give hamburgers that yummy flavor.
Who James Brown Is (The Cosby Show)
I remember being in middle school and watching the famous episode where the entire Huxtable clan lip-synced to James Brown's "I Got The Feelin'" for Grandma and Grandpa's anniversary, and I secretly admitted to myself that James Brown was better than The New Kids on the Block.
Crystal Meth Will Seriously Mess Up Your Shit Even More Than I Thought It Would (Intervention)
Seriously. Not that I've ever wanted to try it, but I think anyone who would even consider it should watch an episode of this insanely addictive show (sorry, pardon the pun), and you will never mess with Tina again. Or heroin or coke or vodka or gambling or anything else, for that matter.
I Am An Idiot (LOST)
I can't understand this show. I'm totally obsessed, and I spend hours on Lostpedia trying to understand the inner workings of LOST, but the only thing this show has taught me is that despite being on the high school honor roll, I'm too stupid to figure this series out.