So I've totally gotten sucked into the new Oprah and her Best Life series which aired last week and is all about, well, living your best life as Oprah thinks you should. Every day last week she focused on a different issue: money, body, sex, etc. with the goal being to help her viewers reach the apex of human perfection.
I miss the old Oprah, the one that existed before she went all self-help guru on us. You know, the Oprah who exploited hard-luck cases and made me realize I really didn't have it so bad after all. She's gone from their worst lives to your best life. No good.
So in that spirit, (and after watching the series), I decided I'd get myself into the self help guru game/pathetic self game. Here's a potential outline for future blog posts.
Miss Pop Rocks: Live Your Worst Life
Monday: How To Eat An Entire Delivery Pizza in One Setting Without Hating Yourself
The title speaks for itself. Readers will understand the joy and pleasure that comes from mindless gorging. Special feature on Papa John's versus Pizza Hut.
Tuesday: Where You Put That Gin, Baby?
All the places gin can hide and where to look for them. Then all the drinks you can make with gin. Debate over Bombay Sapphire versus Tanqueray. Bonus feature: Fun phone calls to make after you've had too much gin. (Example: "Lookssh Robby, I nevuh even liked yoush and I slept with your brudda anyway...snoooze.")
Wednesday: Fun With Bill Collectors
Ways to answer the phone when a bill collector calls that will be more fun for you than the bill collector, like heavy breathing or loud whistles. Also included: Information on evading bill collectors who try to repossess your home and/or vehicle.
Thursday: Brushing Up On Mindless Celebrity Gossip
What's Jennifer Aniston's deal, yo? That girl needs a major shot of self esteem. And what's up with Mickey Rourke? Glad to see he's working again, but his face looks like over-worked Play-doh. And just banter like that.
Friday: Sleeping In Is Fun
Title written, `nuff said.
Readers, are you interested in my guidance?
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