Miss Pop Rocks’s Tips for Going Green

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To conserve heat during winter months, drink more alcohol. Because alcohol is nature’s furnace.

Stop mowing the lawn. You’ll save gas and all the extra grass will provide a beautiful, undisturbed habitat for God’s bugs.

Before you replacing all your regular light bulbs with energy-saving light bulbs, simply steal electricity from your next-door neighbor using an extension cord.

Burn incense. It’s hippieish, and hippies are all into nature, man.

Don’t throw out old newspapers. Make neat stacks of them all around your house until you have to make little paths leading from room to room and then someone calls the Health Department to report your mental illness.

Green glass is so pretty! Don’t throw it out. Tie a rope around an empty Heineken bottle and boom. Instant necklace. (P.S. Works with a full bottle as well.)

Instead of driving your car to work, just don’t go.

Limit the amount of laundry you do by wearing the same outfit over and over and over until it’s covered in stains and dirt and you stink really bad.

Get rid of junk mail by burning it in a huge pile in your backyard.

Save water by peeing in the shower. (Oh come on, you secretly enjoy it already.)

Only masturbate to Al Gore. – Jennifer Mathieu

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Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.


Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.