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Heights Monolith Disappears, Leaves Behind Cheese Pizza

This is gone now.
This is gone now.
Photo by Jef Rouner
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Just days after we reported on the mysterious appearance of a metallic monolith in the Heights it vanished, leaving behind only a slice of cheese pizza and a lingering sense of wonder to prove that it was ever there.

Under the cover of thunder and lightning, powers unknown removed the 9-foot triangular metal object. It was the latest of dozens, perhaps hundreds of such structures that have been spotted worldwide since November. Though some of them have been identified as the work of artisans, enterprising business owners, and pranksters, most have simply been random bits of unexplained weirdness.

Dedicated reader Brian Combs sent us a photo of the site, showing that the interior of the monolith was a simple signpost that had been ritualistically driven through a slice of cheese pizza. The collection of random offerings – such as a Whataburger keychain and Topo Chico bottle caps – were apparently spirited away by the architects of the wondrous object. Presumably they were accepted as appropriate items of worship, and the city shall soon reap the blessing of the monolith’s masters.

As for the meaning of the cheese pizza, we reached out to absolutely no experts on the subject and prefer to speculate wildly on its meaning. It could be a symbolic rejection or acceptance (?) of Christianity, with the pizza representing a particularly tasty version of the Eucharist.

Possibly this is a message from pizza entrepreneur Herman Cain from beyond the grave. Since his Twitter account is now in the hands of ghoulish COVID deniers despite the fact Cain himself succumbed to the disease, it’s only logical he would reach out through other means. The pizza hidden inside is a metaphor to wear your fucking mask and maybe don’t go out tonight, you bloody-minded plague rats.

The theory that this is all just some impossibly hipster Heights art nonsense is one completely devoid of joy and magic and should not be contemplated by anyone with half a soul. As such, we will not even mention it, save to denounce it with fervor.

The way forward is clear: goodbye weird-ass metal construct of vague menace and hello delicious (we assume as we did not check) cheese pizza. May this mantra guide us in the brave new world of 2021.

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