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Houston's wackiest, silliest married couple is at it again: Last Sunday night, Rachel Brown, wife of cocaine-enthusiast and medical-license-losing former surgeon Michael Brown (star of local television ads featuring his kids) called 911 because, per the offense report, "her husband is trying to kill her and her family." 

Those ku-raaazy Browns! We only hope their children (both under 5 years old) were there to witness the whole brouhaha, which Houston Police Department Spokesman John Cannon said went like this:

She stated that she was snorting cocaine with her husband and that she got really messed up, and her husband tried to force her to take several other pills," Cannon said, per the notes. "And that she believes that her husband is trying to kill her, and she told the officer she needed to go to the hospital because she thinks that her husband poisoned her. And then the husband, for his part, said that he doesn't know what she's talking about, that they were both watching television and before he knew anything -- after she had gotten out of bed -- [Houston Fire Department] and the police show up. And he claims that she's constantly making up stories and has done so on several occasions."

The responding officer noted that Rachel Brown appeared depressed, but he saw no injuries. However, HFD took her to Memorial Hermann Southwest for observation. The officer notified the district attorney's office, but an assistant district attorney said that, based on the evidence (or lack thereof) there was no indication that anyone needed to be charged with anything.

"We get a call from dispatch saying that she wanted to speak with an officer at the hospital," Cannon continued. "...The woman says that she needs help and wants to get out of her marriage, but she's afraid to. So the officer at that time advises her to contact family violence investigators in the morning."

She also said that Michael Brown "forces me to do drugs" and that, if she refuses, he threatens her and the kids. 

Cannon said there was nothing in the report indicating that Rachel Brown contacted the family violence investigators.

The Browns did not return calls seeking comment for this story, and one of their horde of domestic servants told Hair Balls that the Browns don't want us calling the house anymore.

Fair enough. But we have a request for Rachel Brown as well. And that is this:

Dude, you married a guy who was placed on probation after beating his pregnant wife with a broken bedpost and dragging her down the stairs by her hair. So you kinda had to know what you were getting yourself into. Now, it's one thing to fuck up your own life. But you chose to have children with this dude. So if, while you're hoovering a bunch of lines one night, you have an epiphany that maybe this isn't the best household in which to raise your young children, and if you call the police to come help you -- please follow through.

Because you accused Michael Brown of domestic violence in 2006, and you sought a restraining order. Remember? You swore in an affidavit that your husband had a history of violence against you from 2004 to 2006, in which he allegedly "assaulted me, spit on me, pulled my hair and degraded me in front of the children."

But that apparently was a passing fancy, because you went back to him. Look, we understand shit happens. And we understand that this must've all been some big misunderstanding, because you couldn't possibly sincerely believe your kids' lives are in danger yet allow them to remain in that home.

Because if you did that, what kind of mother -- what kind of person -- would you be?

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