Move Over, Jeff Bagwell! Brian Cushing's House Is For Sale, Too!

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Maybe after the tidal wave of a sports week that we all enjoyed/endured last week, we needed a bit of a breather. After Manti Te'o's phony baloney girlfriend, Lance Armstong's phony baloney apologies, the Patriots' and Falcons' phony baloney Super Bowl aspirations, a slow sports week leading up to Super Bowl Hype Week may not be such a bad thing.

How do we know this is a slow sports week?

Well, because for the second time in 24 hours, we are posting about an athlete's house being put on the market for sale.


Yesterday, it was Jeff Balke's post about former Astros first baseman Jeff Bagwell's palatial 16,000-square-foot (or 18,000-square-foot, if you believe the diabolical Harris County Appraisal District) in the Memorial area going onto the market for the bargain basement price of $15 million (less than $1,000 per square foot! What a deal!)

(Memo to fake offspring of Nigerian royalty: If you're looking for people with money to put onto your next e-mail distribution, may I recommend Laura Sakowitz Sweeney, the real estate agent on the Bagwell home. Commission on a $15 million sale is going to be so, so sweet.)

But Bagwell was yesterday's news. Now along comes a listing via Swamplot that is far more relevant to the current Houston sports scene (no offense, Baggy). Houston Texans linebacker Brian Cushing has listed his palatial-but-not-quite-Bagwellian Missouri City crib for the low, low price of $1,299,000.

At 7,000 square feet, sure, it may only qualify as a servant's bungalow next to the Bagwell Compound, but Casa de Cush is still nothing to sneeze at. Here is the description from the MLS listing:

Custom waterfront estate in gated Waters Lake. Grand entry, both formals, den, kitchen w/custom cabs & SS appliances; breakfast & den look out to veranda, pool/spa & lake. Gracious master w/sitting area & FP. Master bath fit for king & queen. Guest bd down. Up: 3 bds, gamerm, media rm, cov'd balcony overlooking pool & lake. State of the art media rm w/wet bar, security system w/cameras, Crestron automation system.

Long story short, in plain English....this is a fucking sweet house!

My favorite parts of the description:

1. The master bath being "fit for king & queen." Someday, I'd like to see a king and queen chime in on all of these things we commoners see as being "fit for" them. I really think we might be putting words in their royal mouths.

2. The "[covered] balcony overlooking pool & lake" definitely overlooks a very nice swimming pool, although unlike Bagwell's pool and spa, Cushing's does not appear to be of the saltwater variety. Pffft, lightweight. However, more to the point regarding the lake, as best I can tell from this overhead shot on Google maps, it's more of a canal than a lake, and a dirty canal at that! I'm gonna need a closer look at the lake to substantiate the listing's claim.

3. One other thought: Using Google maps to look up Cushing's house is bird's-eye voyeurism that makes me feel incredibly creepy. Just putting that out there.

The more important questions center around just why Cushing is listing his house. Conspiracy theorists will take this listing as a sign that perhaps Cushing's future with the Texans is a tad murky. His contract comes up after the 2013 season, and he is coming off of a season-ending ACL tear which required full-on ligament replacement surgery.

I prefer to remain optimistic. We know Cushing and his wife did have their first child back in October, and really, is 7,000 square feet enough space for three people nowadays? I know that I always like to maintain a square-foot-to-kid ratio of at least 10,000.

Elbow room, baby.

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.

Follow Hair Balls News on Facebook and on Twitter @HairBallsNews.

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