Every day here at Hair Balls we get to see great, sad, and dumbfounding mugshots from around the state of Texas. We sure do have a lot of criminals in the Lone Star State. Makes me fearful of seceding in 2025.
The Houston Press even has a Pinterest page dedicated to the best and less-than-best mugshots from all around the state.
Dudes, don't worry, Pinterest isn't just for ladies that wear scarves all year long, you can visit the link too.
As we get closer to the biggest drinking and bedevilment-filled holidays of the year -- late-season Texans games, Thanksgiving Eve, Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Christmas Eve Eve, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Christmas Night, New Year's Eve, New Year's Day... -- Hair Balls would like to give you some helpful pointers for when Johnny Law comes to snap your photo for posterity.
Don't Smile Or Smirk If You Raped Somebody Or Killed Your Dog
It's just angering and makes us all want to liquify your face. In the case of Bill Cody Omer who left his dog in a hot car to die, I hope you are castrated in prison the hard way.
If you did something really dumb and harmless, smile. When you are running for political office one day and some intrepid reporter finds out you stole pumpkins from a pumpkin patch while dressed as Sexy Raggedy Ann, you will have a fun story to tell.
Don't Cry For Me Argentina
It's not going to be help your cause or sway the judge, no matter what you did. You are crying because you just ruined your own life by doing something stupid. Own what you did and be stoic. Big girls (and boys) don't cry.
Try Not To Wear An Ironic Shirt If You Plan On Being Felonious
Meaning that you shouldn't wear a "I Would Kill For A Beer" or "Trust No Bitch" T-shirt if you have a predilection to crime.
Stare As Blankly As Possible
Like you are Jack Nicholson at the very end of The Shining. Just stare right through the camera. Get it over with. The quicker you get this done, the quicker you can sober up and accept Jesus Christ into your heart as your lord and savior.
Look At The Camera
Don't look anywhere else but at the tiny hole inside the camera. You aren't taking a Facebook or Instagram photo. If you are too drunk to look into the camera, well, pretend that the camera is a nude Kate Upton eating a Popsicle and hope for the best.
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SHOW ME HOW
If you are a rock star, rapper, or actor, be sure to look sassy, debonair, exhibit a look of icy cool. This is the most important head shot you will ever take. Remember Paris Hilton's mugshot? I hate her with a fiery passion but I would holler at the Paris Hilton in that mugshot for real. And if you are Randy Travis or Lindsay Lohan, do your thang babies.
Fix Your Makeup If You Can
Make sure it's cool with the arresting officers for you to adjust your makeup, Halloween or otherwise. Do Darth Maul justice at least. The whole smudged makeup thing was cool in the '90s and if you were in an early '00s screamo band, but in 2012 you just look amateur.