It could happen to any of us, I suppose.
You're driving along on a pleasant Friday afternoon in May. The workweek is through, you've got the sunroof open and you're jamming the latest tunes that the young people enjoy, not a care in the world. Birds are singing, life is good.
And then in the blink of an eye, it all changes.
For at that seemingly care-free moment, a naked (and presumably very sweaty and stinky and probably hairy) man plunges into your car headfirst through the sunroof and begins to choke you and pull your hair (assuming you're lucky enough to have hair). At that moment, you realize that bath salts are very, very real.
This classic case of "naked dude jumping through sunroof" is exactly what happened to a Dallas woman last Friday afternoon.
Here's the story:
DALLAS -- Dallas police are investigating a shocking attack by a naked man who dove through a car's open sunroof before assaulting the female driver.
It happened Friday evening near the corner of Zang Boulevard and Oakenwald Street in Oak Cliff.
From his apartment balcony, neighbor Marcus Payne shot video of the man as he sat naked in the street below. Payne thought he was capturing the craziest thing he'd ever seen -- until that man came back into frame.
Nude and with no fear, the man slid arms-first into the open sunroof of a woman's car.
"A naked man jumped in," she told us, asking us to protect her identity. "He jumped in my car and he started attacking me."
Her emotional wounds are still raw.
"He started choking me, pulling my hair, pulling my eyes, and I couldn't do anything," she said.
As he clawed at her, the car skidded. Dallas police were there and tried to call the man off her, until they crashed.
"I don't know how much longer that attack would have lasted if [the police] weren't there," the woman said.
Her attacker left in handcuffs for the hospital. Officers suspect he was on drugs.
His victim's car has $3,000 worth of damage she'll have to pay for herself, but that's not the worst part.
"I feel more afraid, more aware of everything around me...like a prisoner," she said.
And here is the video:
And now a few observations on some of the lines in the story above:
1. "Her emotional wounds are still raw." Here is a clear illustration of the double standard that governs the respective emotions of both genders. This woman had a naked man jump into her car through the sunroof and she is traumatized to the point of not wanting her identity revealed. As men, we leave the house praying that a naked woman will jettison herself through our sunroof, and if it were to happen, we would be tweeting a selfie with her within 20 seconds. I'm glad I'm a dude.
2. "Officers suspect he was on drugs." Oh, you think so, doctors? If we are taking everything into account -- the suspect's nudity, the suspect's erratic and violent behavior -- then bath salts as the drug of choice is a clear -600 favorite. Mushrooms are +350 and Fun Dip is +1,200. The victim should feel fortunate she didn't get her face gnawed off (a bath salts staple).
3. "His victim's car has $3,000 worth of damage she'll have to pay for herself, but that's not the worst part." Um, all due respect, but $3,000 worth of damage? That is the worst part. It's far and away the worst part. Three grand is a shitload of money. Look, I understand how bent out of shape and shocked this woman seems to be, but look on the bright side. What are the odds of that happening to her once? Like one in a few million, right? So what are the odds of it actually happening a second time? Like one in a zillion, right? It would be the same odds as Tyrion beating The Mountain in Trial by Combat next Sunday, only with Tyrion having to use a butter knife while wearing a blindfold. (Game of Thrones has totally replaced The Sopranos as my "go to" analogy show.) She should be happy that she got this one out of the way and know that her karma account is well into the black and good things are coming for her soon. Stop crying.
And for the rest of you, just heed this story as one final warning to close your sunroof if you happen to drive past any naked people who look high on bath salts.
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