New Year's Resolutions

Welcome to 2008. How is everybody? I hope that none of you is too hung over, especially with this whole returning to work after the holidays thing today.

Being that it’s New Year's means it’s time for the whole resolutions thing. I’ll give you my resolutions for the year down at the bottom, but first, the resolutions of numerous people in the sports world have been leaked to me (okay, I made them up), so I thought I would share those first. Gary Kubiak, coach, Houston Texans: I resolve to learn about clock management. I also resolve to learn about when to throw the replay challenge flag. Finally, I vow to draft an offensive lineman and to draft a running back with a high draft choice so as to help out my QBs. Oh, who am I kidding? Are there any overrated defensive linemen available for drafting in the first round?

Matt Schaub, QB, Houston Texans: I resolve to call David Carr so that I can learn how to take a hit. He was a hell of a lot tougher bastard than I am.

Travis Johnson, defensive lineman, Houston Texans: I resolve to not make my cheap shots so damn obvious to those frigging officials. I also resolve to continue taunting unconscious opponents.

Mario Williams, defensive lineman, Houston Texans: I resolve to show up for every game.

Ahman Green, running back, Houston Texans: I resolve, if the Texans don’t dump me, to play in at least eight games next season – starting at least four.

Jim Brown, retired, Hall-of-Fame running back: I resolve to call the Houston Texans and ask for a job as a starting running back. I don’t like that punk Emmitt Smith holding MY rushing record, and if the Texans are playing Ron Dayne, Darius Walker, and Ahman Green at running back, then they’ve got to be desperate. And hey, at least I’m not injury-prone.

Bo Jackson, retired multi-sport superstar (and former NIKE pitchman): I resolve to call the Houston Texans about becoming their new running back since it appears they have a thing for old, injury-prone running backs.

Red Grange, Hall-of-Fame running back (dead): I resolve to call the Houston Texans about the running back job. I can fall forward in my casket and gain more yards than Ron Dayne.

Ricky Williams, running back, Miami Dolphins: I resolve, uh, I resolve, oh, fuck it, where’s my weed?

Mack Brown, head coach, Texas Longhorns: I resolve to hire an offensive coordinator to work with my blue-chip offensive talent. What, I already have an offensive coordinator? Then what the hell has he been doing? I resolve to hire a new offensive coordinator.

Shasta, Houston Cougar mascot: I resolve to not get tea-bagged by the opposing team mascot on national TV. And if such does happen, I resolve to at least give the appearance of fighting back.

The MOB, Rice Owl band: We resolve not to change damn thing. We’ve always been willing to push boundaries and to be offensive. And we vow to continue so doing. So if Todd Graham doesn’t like us calling him a douchebag, then perhaps he should stop being a douchebag.

Ed Wade, general manager, Houston Astros: I resolve to continue ignoring my team’s lack of staring pitching. Besides, after all, chicks dig the long ball.

Lance Berkman, first baseman, Houston Astros: I resolve to, at one point, contemplate getting into shape this season. But I’ll leave that decision up to God because if He would have wanted to me to be in shape, then He would’ve made me that way.

Carlos Lee, outfielder, Houston Astros: I resolve to give the appearance of hustling down the first base line at least once this season.

Hunter Pence, outfielder, Houston Astros: I resolve to keep hustling singles into doubles and triples into doubles, though I don’t know why since nobody else on this team seems to find it to be important.

Miguel Tejada, shortstop, Houston Astros: Since I’ve already been named in the Mitchell Report, I resolve to get back on the juice since my numbers have been dropping off.

Roy Oswalt, staff ace, Houston Astros: I resolve that, if the Astros don’t get me some help in the starting rotation, to demand a trade to a team that actually cares about winning baseball games.

Craig Biggio, retired, Houston Astros: I resolve to continue batting lead off. What, I’m retired? What’s that got to do with anything? Didn’t Clemens retire a couple of years ago and keep on pitching? Then I can keep batting lead off.

Drayton McLane, owner, Houston Astros: I resolve to find more ways to jack up the prices for my inferior product. And while I’m at it, I vow to find any remaining blank space at Minute Maid Park and stick a tacky ad on it.

Roger Clemens, retired steroid user (alleged): I resolve to prove my innocence by not going on Sixty Minutes, posting videos to You Tube, having Rusty Hardin make threatening statements, or hiring private investigators, but to instead appear before the U.S. Attorney in San Francisco, have him put me under oath, then tell them why Brian McNamee is lying. Then McNamee won’t be the only one facing jail time for lying under oath.

Barry Bonds, outfielder, steroid user, unsigned by any team: I resolve to laugh at Roger Clemens for not having better friends. I’m supposed to be the jerk, but my friends have done jail time instead of ratting me out to the Feds.

Tracy McGrady, shooting guard, Houston Rockets: I resolve to play at least two games a month, starting in July.

Daryl Morey, general manager, Houston Rockets: I resolve to get the Rockets a legitimate NBA-caliber point guard sometime before the end of this decade.

Houston Rocket Fans: We resolve not to shout and demand that the team play an out-of-shape, over-the-hill point guard.

Robert Horry, power forward, San Antonio Spurs: I resolve to send the Rockets another thank you note for trading me all of those years ago for Charles Barkley. I’ve won five rings since then. Have you even won that many playoff games since then?

Isaiah Thomas, coach and general manager, New York Knicks: I resolve to send the Rockets a thank you note for signing Steve Francis this off-season. Otherwise, I would have had no recourse but to bring him back here.

Jeff Van Gundy, former coach, ESPN color analyst: I resolve to send the Rockets a thank you note for not sticking me with Steve Francis and Bonzi Wells at the same time.

Houston Aeros, minor league hockey team: We resolve to continue delivering the best bang for the dollar in the city.

Richard Justice, columnist, Houston Chronicle: I resolve to continue contradicting myself from column to column, from blog post to blog post. I also resolve to continue insulting and degrading my readers.

Jose de Jesus Ortiz, Houston Astros beat writer, Houston Chronicle: I resolve to continue in my role as Drayton McLane’s stenographer. I also resolve to once again claim that the Astros are a playoff-caliber team.

John McLain, Houston Texans beat writer, Houston Chronicle: I resolve to continue ignore all evidence while claiming that the Texans are a playoff-caliber football team despite giving significant playing time to Ron Dayne, and Darius Walker. I also resolve to continue shoving Anna-Megan Raley down your throat, despite her lack of any discernible talent.

Gene Peterson, radio broadcaster, Houston Rockets: I resolve to, at least once before I retire at the end of this season, to acknowledge that the referee actually got a call right and that a Houston Rocket did, indeed, commit a foul.

Marc Vandermeer, radio talk show host and Houston Texans broadcaster: I rock-and-roll resolve to care more about my play-by-rock-and-roll-play duties than I due about getting my catchphrases on ESPN.

Jim Deshaies, television color analyst, Houston Astros: I resolve to continue being the best analyst in Houston while doing everything and anything possible to keep the viewers interested in lousy Houston Astro baseball.

And now, for my resolutions for this New Year.

1. I resolve to keep telling the truth I see it is, no matter how much the Astros bitch and Texans fans whine.

2. I resolve to spend more time listening to Charlie Pallilo (3-7 weekdays, 790 AM), the best radio sports talk host in the state, and less time screaming at John Lopez, Brad Davies, Calvin Murphy, and anybody and everybody on 610 for being so damn pathetic – I’ll spend less time screaming because I won’t be listening to them (and I’m still waiting for someone to explain to me how two people with as little talent as Lance Zierlein and John Granato continue to stay on the air, though, thankfully, their new station can’t be heard in most of the city).

3. Finally, I resolve to become a little more realistic in my expectations and desires. So, goodbye Ashley Judd and hello Zooey Deschanel.

--John Royal

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