Football season is over. It's a completely somber time, and we as football fans are now left counting down the days until September like we've been sentenced to seven months in Sports Shawshank.
For years, that's exactly what I did. i sat there like a mope in my bedroom keeping an actual tally on my wall, one day at a time, wallowing in my own misery while I had to endure
Astros baseball season months without America's true pastime gambling on football.
And then finally, two years ago, I took some ownership. I wasn't going to let the depression of the void eat away at me. I was going to do something about it. So I found a way to keep football in our lives during the months of February through July.
And it was then that the NFL Fantasy Crime League was born!
I figured "What's the one thing we can count on a small percentage of NFL players doing during the offseason?" The answer? Get arrested! So what did I do? I created the NFL Fantasy Crime League.
The rules are simple -- get eight people, and each of you pick four teams. For each crime committed by a player on one of those teams, you get points under a scoring system that goes as follows:
Misdemeanor .. 1 point Felony .. 3 points Murder .. 10 points
And yes, Aaron Hernandez's 2013 fantasy crime season was basically like Barry Bonds 73 home run season in rotisserie baseball. Last season, the 49ers managed to take home the crown, largely on the strength of one really bad afternoon for cornerback Chris Culliver, who scored an unheard-of-without-actually-killing-somebody seven points in about three hours when he ran over a bicyclist, left the scene, then threatened a civilian with brass knuckles.
It was like the triple double of fantasy crime!
So now we're off and running in 2015's fantasy crime season. I mean seriously running. Like "this is the greatest opening week for any sport ever!" kind of running! THREE players in the first 48 hours following the Super Bowl have found their way onto the police blotter (and that doesn't even include former Ravens DT Terrence Cody, who was popped on a bunch f animal cruelty charges).
Here are the summaries for the explosive first 48 hours of the 2015 FCL....
Colts LB D'Qwell Jackson smacks pizza guy It's amazing how irrational people get over parking spots. There may not be a more underrated commodity when it comes to how irrational people are in their possessiveness of them. Go to any shopping mall in December for proof....or try to take D'Qwell Jackson's spot.
The Indianapolis Colts linebacker was arrested in Washington D.C. on Tuesday for simple assault after an argument with a pizza delivery guy over a spot. According to the police report, a driver of another car told police that Jackson punched him in the face and the back of the head during a dispute over a parking space. Reportedly, the driver was there to deliver a pizza, told Jackson he'd be just one minute, and Jackson then proceeded to punch the guy. Jackson has been ordered to appear in court at a later date.
Jackson is the fifth member of the Colts organization to be arrested since March 2014, when owner Jim Irsay was arrested for impaired driving, a true "from the top down" culture. Prior to Tuesday, Jackson was best known for intercepting the Tom Brady pass that led to the Deflate-Gate scandal that dominated headlines for ten days before last week's Super Bowl, so this isn't even the worst plague Jackson has cast upon society in the last two weeks. Ten days of discussing "balls" was way worse.
Cowboys RB Joseph Randle popped for weed, investigated for assault It wouldn't be a Fantasy Crime League opening week without a Dallas Cowboy, and it wouldn't be something totally stupid if it didn't involve Joseph Randle. Thanks to Randle, Dez Bryant isn't even the dumbest former Oklahoma State Cowboy on the Dallas roster anymore.
The latest on Randle occurred in Wichita, Kansas, early Tuesday morning when a 9-1-1 call about a disturbance (domestic violence with a weapon, to be exact) led police to a hotel room where Randle was with a 22-year-old female companion. There, police found a small amount of marijuana, leading to Randle's having to appear before a judge. He was not booked and a mug shot was not taken (so this may be coming off the books for FCL purposes).
Randle, of course, made news during the season when he was arrested at a Frisco mall for shoplifting underwear and a store sample of some cologne. The domestic violence allegation from the incident on Tuesday is still being investigated.
Packers DT Letroy Guion popped for weed, LOTS of weed Damn, if you're looking for an early season FCL MVP candidate (the annual Hernandez Award), Packers defensive tackle Letroy Guion has really set a pace that will be tough to beat
without murdering somebody. Guion was arrested Tuesday night for felony possession of marijuana and felony possession of a firearm in his hometown of Starke, Florida, according to a police report. If you're keeping track at home, that's a SIX point FCL night! BOOM!!
Guion was found to have 357 grams of marijuana after his truck was pulled over, and the officer who searched the truck also found more than $190,000 in one of the bags containing the marijuana. Both the money and the truck were seized and secured due to the amount of marijuana found.
According to the police report, Guion was "extremely uncooperative and hostile" while the truck was being searched. The officer reported that Guion "kept coming toward the vehicle several times saying, 'Hey man, my money is in there. Don't let him take my money.'"
Guion was initially pulled over for "failure to maintain a single lane," according to the report. Guion was partially hanging out of the driver's side window (which, considering Guion's 315 pound frame, is a somewhat hilarious visual), at which point the officer smelled marijuana. Guion told police he had a weapon that was registered to him, and they found a 9mm semi-automatic handgun.
Guion was reportedly moving his things from Green Bay back to Starke and, after cashing his Packers paychecks, was going to use the money to help his family in Starke, and he provided proof of the money's origin through recent bank statements.
According to the Bradford County Sheriff's Office, Guion was released on $100,000 bond. Guion, 27, joined the Packers last offseason and started every game. The former Minnesota Viking recorded a career-best 3.5 sacks. He signed a one-year, $1 million contract and had been in negotiations with the Packers about a long-term deal. I'm no agent, but I don't think this arrest will help negotiations.
By the way, if you're wondering what 357 grams of weed and $190,000 in cash looks like, well....
FORMER Packers DL Letroy Guion busted with THIS....are you kidding! pic.twitter.com/KJ8ceKE7gQ
— Bill Michaels (@Bill_Michaels) February 4, 2015
So good to have the crime season back!!
FANTASY CRIME LEAGUE STANDINGS
GREEN BAY PACKERS .. 6 points * 2/3/15: Packers DT Letroy Guion is arrested for felony possession of marijuana and felony possession of a firearm.
DALLAS COWBOYS ... 1 point * 2/3/15: Cowboys RB Joseph Randle is cited for marijuana (unclear if it's a misdemeanor or just a citation, so FCL scoring is pending)
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS ... 1 point * 2/3/15: Colts LB D'Qwell Jackson is arrested for assault.
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