Every Friday (Thursday some weeks) when I go to fish the lines for that weekend's football games off the Internet, I go to the same site.
(Point of non-disclosure: I will not reveal the name of the site which I
use to wager go to. Easily the most asked question I get in my job -- "Hey Sean, I sure would love to be able to wager on games; what site do you use?" To which I naturally reply -- "I didn't even realize gambling was legal in this country!")
...anyway, I was saying....I go to the same site every week. It lists all the categories of wagers available. Any time I see a new category of wager (i.e., certain prop bets, a new UFC card, etc.) available to my degenerate soul, I get a tingly feeling in my nether regions.
This week's new category? TIGER WOODS PROP BETS!
I saw this category and got all sorts of fired up. Tiger is infinitely more interesting now than he was, say, two years ago. (A little math lesson in the "World According to Sean" -- Divorce + Adultery + Crashing Your Car * 9-Iron Through Car Window = More Interesting.)
So naturally I was hoping for things like:
Most Frequently Ordered Dish At Perkins in 2011:
Eggs +500 Pancakes +750 Club Sandwich +250 Pie -2000
Amount of time spent actually adhering to Buddhism:
OVER/UNDER 15 seconds
Maybe even a list of a dozen porn stars where you can create your own quinella box on who he'll have his first threesome with this year. (Although if Tiger's text messages to Rachel Uchitel are any indicator, threesome is nowhere in his repertoire. Straight up missionary guy.)
Sadly, the only bet available was this rather mundane one on majors in 2011:
TIGER WOODS WILL WIN....
NO MAJORS -120 ONE MAJOR ONLY +175 TWO MAJORS ONLY +600 THREE MAJORS ONLY +1400 GRAND SLAM +6500
Crazy. Three years ago, the best you could do was get Tiger at +175 to win a single major and -250 for the rest of the field. Now it's chalk that he actually won't win one this year. How the mighty have fallen. In its continued streak of undefeated dominance, perhaps there is no greater conquest than the female genitalia's turning Tiger Woods, the greatest golfer of all time, into an average hack who would struggle to win the Smoothwater member-guest.
(And by the way, I'll fire on the -120 for No Majors and hope for the best. The worst value on that board is one major at +175. If Tiger is good enough to win one, we know he can likely win at least two. I'd either go zero or two.)
Some quick picks on the NFL playoffs this weekend....
First, let me disclose that, like Jeff Balke, I am addicted to Angry Birds. I made it to Level 12 on my iPhone, but then started over when I purchased an iPad and can't remember for the life of me how I ever got off of Level 7.
This game owns me. I'm not proud of it. So quite simply now, I hate birds. Birds of all types. I go to PetSmart and stab the parakeets with paper clips when the PetSmart workers aren't looking. I openly laughed when dead blackbirds were raining from the sky a couple weeks ago (not really, PETA, this is just for effect). I even walk up to pigeons outside my downtown loft and act like I'm about to feed them and then pull back the bread and yell "PSYCH!" (Yeah, you heard me....psych.....I'm a child of the '80's.)
(For the record, the other animal in the Angry Birds game is the pig. Given their prominent role in my breakfast every day, I could never get mad at the pig. He's a magical creature.)
So my disdain with our fine feathered friends will be reflected in these selections. And if you think that this is a reckless way of picking games, then clearly you haven't seen all of the fucked-up methods I've used this year to get to 63-44-1. So suck it.
STEELERS -3 over Ravens Total "last man standing" blood bath. This is a simple play based on one extra week of punishment coming back to roost with the Ravens at some point in the second half. Plus, the raven looks an awful lot like those small, useless blue birds in Angry Birds whose magical power is to split into three small, useless birds.
Packers +2.5 over FALCONS This is a difficult one because the Falcon most closely resembles the coolest of the Angry Birds -- the black, cannonball, exploding bird! But I can't play favorites. Sorry, black bird...you are who you hang with. GO PACK!
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BEARS -10 over Seahawks In terms of shape and function (if not color), the Seahawk probably reminds me most of the yellow birds. You know the ones where you fire them and at some point during their flight, you touch the screen and they jack their speed up to Mach 5 and go careening into whatever is in their path. Only two problems -- if you touch the screen at the wrong time during the bird's trajectory, it goes hurtling into outer space like Darth Vader in his tie fighter (dork alert). Second, even at top speed, those little fuckers still struggle to break concrete. I mean, damn man, if you can't break concrete at 150 miles per hour, then what good are you? Fuck you, Seahawks.
PATRIOTS -8.5 over Jets No birds in this matchup, but Jets do have wings. Truth be told, as someone who will be covering the Super Bowl in Dallas, I REALLY want Rex Ryan to be coaching in that game. Media week with Ryan > media week with Belichick. It's that simple.
Last Week: 4-2 Season Record: 63-44-1
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from noon to 3 p.m. weekdays and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.