Nine Texas Flag Bikinis and How They Get It Wrong

For Flag Day, we presented you with U.S. flag bikinis and the specific parts of the Flag Code they violate. Then we gave you 10 Confederate flag bikinis and the subtle political arguments they made.

Today it's Texas flag bikinis, and how people just get them wrong.

9. Under a bad star What it gets wrong: The point on the star is slightly above the white-red divide, not directly at it. And the bottom completely misplaces the colors. Grade: B-minus. Saved by the hat.

8. A wandering star What it gets wrong: If you're going to misplace the star, at least be consistent about it. Up top we've got the point below the color divide, downtown we've got it floating above like it's Christmas night in Bethlehem -- make up your mind, people. Grade: Incomplete. No ass shot.

7. Close, but no cigar What it gets wrong: You can almost see this one working -- if the woman lies down on her side at just the right angle, it all might line up. But then the bottom appears to be made of some sort of adult-diaper material, and that's just disrespectful. Grade: C. Good attention to detail, bad choice of medium when it comes to the bottom.

6. Just can't be bothered What it gets wrong: Good work on the top, but then they can't even bring themselves to attempt anything on the bottom. "Eh, just go with the blue" is not an option. Plus her hat seems to indicate she's in the Soviet army. Grade: C-plus. Muddled, but a sincere if naive effort at detente with an enemy who hasn't been around for decades.

5. Virtual suckage What it gets wrong: Second Life obviously is not a student of bikini vexillology. If you saw this woman you'd think two things: 1) It's a bikini with a random star on one boob, and 2) That is one ugly tattoo. You wouldn't think of the Texas flag, you would just be thinking man, this woman went all out to get that part in Lone Star Cum Sluts XVIII. Grade: F. Luckily never to be seen IRL.

4. Tilting for some reason What it gets wrong: You thought we'd go on about the star tilting? No, the main thing wrong with this top is it's too damn big. If you're going to rep Texas, you have to rock the cleavage. We think that's the name of a Toby Keith song, by the way. Grade: F. As Mies van der Rohe put it, "less is more."

3. GAHHHHHHH!!!!! Unsee!! Unsee!! What it gets wrong: Well, uh...the blue is the wrong shade. Yeah, that's it, it's the blue that makes us want to turn our eyes. Grade: D. Not an F because at least this one comes with its own pole.

2. So, so tiny What it gets wrong: Another Second Life failure. We've never seen a tinier star. Or a stupider-looking body. Really, Second Life dude -- go out and meet some people once in a while. Grade: F. Please visit some nice flag Web sites in the 20 hours a day you're online.

1. Almost blue What it gets wrong: Besides the whole "How to Photoshop" thing? Well, obviously this one also is a heinous use of the wrong shade of blue, but somehow we're not as disturbed. Maybe we're just growing used to it in our research. Grade: C. Star placement also stinks. You don't have to stick `em on the boob, designers. A little verisimilitude, please!!

Follow Hair Balls News on Facebook and on Twitter @HairBallsNews.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


All-access pass to the top stories, events and offers around town.

  • Top Stories


All-access pass to top stories, events and offers around town.

Sign Up >

No Thanks!

Remind Me Later >