There was a time for the New England Patriots, back during the dawning of this new millennium from the 2001 through 2004 football seasons, when visits to the White House became old hat.
My radio cohost Ted Johnson was a starting inside linebacker on those first three Patriots Super Bowl champion teams back then, and he jokes about how he became fast friends with then President George W. Bush, working his way to not just a first name basis but a nickname basis.
Back then, the Patriots thought these visits would become a regular thing. However, it turns out they needed another decade (not to mention a miracle interception from cornerback Malcolm Butler) to get back onto the White House lawn.
The most recent trip for the Patriots happened yesterday, and who knew that in a decade the champions' visit to meet the commander in chief had evolved (devolved?) from a cordial round of coffee and pie (figuratively) to a Hollywood roast?
Below is the complete video of the Patriots visit, and I suppose the easiest way to list out all of the C- one liners from ol' Barry O is to do a mini Zapruder of this thing, which follows the embedded video. Here you go....
0:37 — Patriots owner Robert Kraft is still a walking heat check, literally. He's got on the same sneakers he wore with his suit during the Aaron Hernandez trial a few weeks ago. In fact, he appears to be wearing the same suit. Is it possible that Kraft has just been out partying for two weeks and hasn't changed? Or that he has a closet full of 100 of the same suit and ten shelves worth of the same sneakers? Answers to these questions are way more intriguing than anything Obama is about to say.
0:57 — A very non descript, "blah" introduction of the Patriots from Obama, including a comment about the weather (really??), proving my theory that Paul Heyman should be hired to do every public introduction of a sports figure...
1:23 — White House selfie!!!! (check the bottom of the screen)
3:07 — "I'm particularly grateful that Coach [Belichick] decided to dress up today..." Ok, one crack on Belichick and his wardrobe is probably acceptable, but don't get too loose lipped there Obama, or Belichick will do a Force Choke on you that nobody can save you from — not the Secret Service, not the Secretary of State, not andy Katz. NOBODY.
3:12 — "...we had some scissors, if he wanted to cut the sleeves off...." Oh man, pushing your luck, Barry....
3:17 — "...formal hoodies are allowed..." What does that even mean?
3:26 — "I usually tell a lot of jokes at these events, but with the Patriots in town, I was worried that 11 out of 12 of them would fall flat..." Really?!? DEFLATE-GATE jokes?!? Wow, I may need to go retroactively change my vote from the last two elections. Who knew that Obama's ballsiest moment at President would occur during a White House visit from a bunch of sports figures? (Actually, since it feels like there are sports figures at the White House almost every day, these odds would've been much better than you think.)
3:32 — Obama's back is still turned to the team and they all want to kill him with their bare hands....
3:34 — ...Obama turns around to face them and they all flash a bunch of phony smiles and act like Obama is hilarious!
3:48 — "That whole story got blown a little out of proportion..." Well, I'm sure that your leading your speech with a joke about it should make it all go away even faster, Barry.
4:30 — We learn that Tom Brady didn't make the trip the White House. If you remember, Brady in the past had been a special guest of the Bushes (Ahem, REPUBLICANS.) at at least one White House endeavor. Reportedly, the Patriots' quarterback had a family commitment. Here's where I hope for a picture on Twitter to surface from yesterday with Brady shopping at Home Depot or taking his kids to Cici's. You know, something super important.
5:05 — "I told [Gronk] to keep his shirt on.." At this point, it's a miracle Gronk kept his shirt on. I'm just assuming Gronk is wired like every hyperactive nine year old and sees life as one big dare.
6:33 — "Malcolm has earned free drinks for a lifetime in every BAH in Boston..." Hey Chowds, Obama is making fun of your accent. That seems disrespectful. (Just seeing if I can get a drunk Patriots fan to do something stupid on the White House lawn.)
7:32 — Obama takes an opportunity to make a point (an accurate one) about the amount of time the patriots spend contributing off of the field to charity and such, as well. I'm not gonna lie, with the way he'd been bee bopping and scatting, I half expected him to preface it with "When they're not murdering Odin Lloyd..."
9:24 — Robert Kraft speaks, and as usual, I can't hear his voice without thinking of this....
11:20 — "With that, Coach Belichick has agreed to have a press conference...." Uh oh...