Hey, kids, guess what? Oh, man, this is so freaking awesome, you are totally gonna die. So, many of you don't remember Astroworld. It was so cool. It was like Six Flags in Dallas, but cooler. And now I'm reading this story on CultureMap about a new theme park in Houston out on 45 near 1960. FINALLY, right? It's called MainStreet America, which is kinda hokey, but if you have to pass by some animatronic versions of the founding fathers, you can live with that. I bet it has rides and games and junk food and all the stuff kids totally love...and...uh...wait. This can't be right.
According to what I'm reading, this is a theme park full of just plain old houses. There are no rides, just a bunch of houses that are totally empty and made up to look like people live there. It's sorta creepy and it costs 10 bucks to get in. MOST BORING THEME PARK EVER!
But, wait, you guys, it says that these are fully decked out houses in a fake neighborhood. Holy crap, y'all, imagine all the stuff we can do in that place. It's like all our parents left town for the weekend!
No one's home...it's party time!
Dude, someone get a keg and meet me at the big victorian. We're gonna party like it's 1899. In fact, since the place is empty, BLOCK PARTY! We can take over the whole damn cul de sac, bro! You take the stucco place and someone else can grab that modern piece of crap with the "minimalist" interior. We'll do our best to inflict "minimal" damage on your place, MainStreet.
Nerds have a new place to study.
Seriously, nerds, all the a-holes that throw your books on the floor will be like two blocks over, so you can take over that bungalow and study for SATs or tests or whatever. I bet anything the place has free wi-fi. And since they places all have like mad TVs and stuff, you could totally watch a Dr. Who marathon. NERDS RULE!
Hot tub + wine coolers + chicks = awesome.
Whichever house has the hot tub is going to have a serious cleaning bill when we're done with it. And God help them if there's a pool. CANNONBALL!
Graffiti test spot.
Many art students grow up to be underground street artists or at least they aspire to be. Since they can't stick wheat paste posters up in the suburbs without getting busted by the man, why not ply their trade on good old MainStreet America. Frankly, a little graffiti would make this place look more like a real city.
Seriously, dude, why did you put beds in these places. I mean, we would probably have sex on the floor otherwise, but you are just asking for some investigative TV crew to come through here with the black light flashlights looking for semen. But, hey, you built it, not me!
Disclaimer: Do not do or consider doing any of the items above because, let's be honest, you'll be arrested and kind of look like an idiot.
Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.