We are only less than three hours out from bringing you live-blogging coverage, right here, of this year's Academy Awards, and we are more than excited to take you through the night for every win, loss, awful dress, awesome dress, foible and foul-up Hollywood throws our way.
You have less than three hours to go now, so run those errands, fold those clothes and make sure the beer is chilling, because we have an almost four-hour telecast to look forward to. And it's not like the Super Bowl; there will be no half-time show. Which is a shame, because the Black Eyed Peas did such a great job this year of capturing the hearts of the world.
Be sure to follow me, @craighlavaty, on Twitter during the show as well.
Started watching the red carpet crap. Look, I don't know anything about fabric or clothes, but Russell Brand is there with his mother, and he was a fat kid in high school. Also, he looks like a meth-y Depp.
A talking head just said the world will soon be run by 14-year-old girls. And I thought I was lecherous and creeeeepy. Hailee Steinfeld from True Grit is wearing a pink thing.
Florence is onscreen and on the red carpet without her Machine, and Mandy Moore is getting interviewed. She says her husband Ryan Adams will be there tonight. That's a shame.
Mila Kunis's boobs are shiny. She also sounds like she smoked a pack of Camel Reds in the limo and drank gravel on the way over.
How is Amy Adams NOT Kristen Wiig? Say "Post-Baby Body" four times real fast. Also, Adams was awesome in Sunshine Cleaning.
Robin Roberts has no charisma. She's like a high school principal.
OMG. You mean Jesse Eisenberg NEVER played football? But but, he's so rugged and virile...
That old Cuba Gooding Jr. clip was cringe-inducing. Seriously, it still chaps my ass that Cuba beat William H. Macy's role in Fargo. YahknowImean?
Kevin Spacey is smarmy as hell. Face is starting to look like a leather shoe.
I almost beat a kid up in junior high for saying that The English Patient was better than Fargo.
OK, how stoned was James Franco? I mean, I'm no expert (but I am a liar) but that was what stoned sounds like.
The IMDB synopsis for Christian Bale's next movie: "Chinese sex workers in 1937 volunteer to replace university students as escorts for invading Japanese soldiers." LOL
From @wwtdd: "robin roberts couldn't be any worse at these interviews unless she was just punching the person"
My tiny HD TV is not being kind to the make-up and complexions of the older actors. Tom Hanks has liver spots now.
And the show is starting. Huge Best Picture montage.
Inception-style "host in the movie" montage. Alec Baldwin drinks out of an Ambien juicebox. Best band name ever.
WHY MORE BACK TO THE FUTURE REFERENCES?
Opening monologue is very tiring. Franco seems stoned, and Anne Hathaway is way too bubbly. He's like Butthead. She's a cheer captain. The most expensive Saturday Night Live monologue ever.
James Cameron is threatening to re-release Titanic to theaters. There is no punchline.
Best Art Direction: Alice In Wonderland. Gentleman looks like he is about to blow chunks.
Best Cinematography: Inception. Heard a "whoop" when he mentioned unions.
From @pattonoswalt: Kirk Douglas = Charlie Sheen in 3 weeks. #Oscars
Best Supporting Actress: Melissa Leo, The Fighter.
Kirk Douglas is total improv hilarity. His stroke left his voice quasi-intelligible, but you can tell he loves playing to the uncomfortableness of it. Go him.
Melissa Leo F-Bomb. Into it.
Justin Timberlake announces that he is Banksy.
Best Animated Short: The Lost Thing
Best Animated Feature: Toy Story 3
Javier Bardem and Josh Brolin announce Best Adapted Screenplay. Last time we saw them together was for No Country For Old Men. The award goes to The Social Network. A deserved win.
Best Original Screenplay: David Seidler, The King's Speech.
Should I publicize the fact that the first 3D movie I saw was the Justin Bieber movie? Look, you can do a background check. I'm clean.
Anne Hathaway will seat you now. Seriously, she's in a weird Joel Grey restaurant outfit. Singing for something. Franco comes out in drag.
Helen Mirren and Russell Brand announce Best Foreign Language Film, In A Better World. Oh, and here is Mirren in a bikini at 63 YEARS OLD.
Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale, The Fighter. Sort of an upset against Geoffrey Rush. He was the front-runner the past month. Bale looks woolly. Starts filming next Batman this summer.
Best Sound always allows the Academy a chance to remind us how backward the early days were and how lucky we are to hear Martin Lawrence scream. Gahhh.
Best Original Score: Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, The Social Network. WOW.
Best Sound Mixing: Inception
Best Sound Editing: Inception
Best Make-Up: The Wolfman.
Best Costume Design: Alice In Wonderland
The first batch of performances of Best Original Song comes up. Randy Newman performing his Toy Story 3 track. Why does most Randy Newman music make me misty-eyed. What have I done to deserve this? Mandy Moore and Zach Levi do the song from Tangled, a movie which only Glenn Beck saw. Seriously, I heard no one else talk about it except for him.
Why does Jake Gyllenhaal look so uncomfortable around women? It's Amy Adams, not a dead bulldog. They announce Best Documentary (Short Subject) for Strangers No More. Best Live Action Short goes to God Of Love, directed by a guy that looks like Sanjaya from 2007 American Idol.
Oscar is attacked by Auto Tune. GROSS. No one laughs. Oprah Winfrey, yes that Oprah Winfrey appears to announce Best Documentary Feature. It goes to Inside Job, about Wall Street, and not Exit Through The Gift Shop, which would have been fun since Banksy would need to appear.
Billy Crystal comes back to save the world from Hathaway and Franco and talk about old-timey Oscars.
When did Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law become the new Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder of Hollywood?
Best Visual Effects: Inception. The scenes with the suspended rooms and the folding cityscapes won out. Very cool.
Best Film Editing: The Social Network
Here's a GIF of Anne Hathaway's dress sparkly and moving because my Tumblr feed likes cute boys and Lady Gaga.
Finally Franco addresses the perversity of this year's movie titles. How To Train Your Dragon. Winter's Bone. Rabbit Hole. Toy Story 3.
More Best Original Song junk, including Florence Welch from Florence + The Machine. Jennifer Hudson also needs a bra. Gwyneth Paltrow needs to not sing. Even to her children.
Best Original Song: "We Belong Together" by Randy Newman, from Toy Story 3. (wipes tear)
The annual "Bring Our Your Dead" segment where Oscar makes us look back at the people who died, died. That's a Jim Carroll reference. Every year we lose an extra bit of Hollywood, the original groundbreaking directors, actors, and actresses. Even the behind-the-scenes folks that pioneer things we don't think about.
It's Best Director time already?? Where has the time gone?
Best Director: Tom Hooper, The King's Speech. Dude held the award and looks orgasmic. What? I wanted David Fincher to win is all. I guess I need to see The King's Speech now. I can just rent Drive Angry later. Le sigh.
Best Actress time! Jeff Bridges will do the honors, since he won Best Actor last year for Crazy Heart. Man, I kinda want to turn this off and watch that one now. Natalie Portman looks hotter pregnant.
Your Best Actress is Natalie Portman for Black Swan. I am a grown, burly man and this movie made me cringe and look away. Gotta love that.
The home stretch! Best Actor, brought to you by Sandra Bullock. It was just a year ago she was at the awards show with Jesse James winning for The Blind Side.
Great crop of actors this year. Makes me wonder what the future will hold for Jesse Eisenberg. The next Dustin Hoffman? Or just another Jason Biggs? Also, I can't wait to spend the next 50 years with James Franco as an actor.
Colin Firth is your Best Actor for The King's Speech. No one was robbed this year, I have to say. They were all great, but Firth is a class act. His acceptance speech is quiet, funny, and witty.
BEST PICTURE TIME with Steven Spielberg. Ten movies. One must win. So many of these encompassed something that meant so much to people. Social interaction, communication, mental illness, redemption aging, sacrifice. Not a dog in the bunch. All I care about the next two years is Spielberg's Abe Lincoln biopic with Daniel Day-Lewis.
The King's Speech has won Best Picture. Nominated for 12, winning just four.
So The Social Network gets shut out of the major marquee awards but cleans up for Film Editing, Score, and Best Adapted Screenplay. Not bad for a movie about a social networking site, something relatively in the grand scheme of Oscar history. Is it still too early for the Oscar voters to recognize the power struggle in the tech wars, or were they simply too blown away by the historic gravity and prowess behind The King's Speech?
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On the acting side, Natalie Portman has officially arrived, as Colin Firth and Christian Bale begin their awards dynasties. It was a year for the newbies. Even Melissa Leo wins her first award, and lobs out an f-bomb in the process, for The Fighter.
Welp, now it's time to look forward to next year's awards. 2012 is already being touted as a heavyweight year, with movies from and featuring Tom Hanks, Steven Soderbergh, Terrence Malick, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and a Margaret Thatcher biopic starring Meryl Streep.
With 16 Oscar nominations and two wins, we can't imagine a biopic about a British icon featuring Streep in the title role not getting any noms. Unless it's an all-puppy cast and Bruce Willis voices Ronald Reagan.